


I'm Not the Same Me As Yesterday

by hondansadeensommar



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Parent Death, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-23 02:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8310952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: Minhyuk is not okay.  Sometimes, he wonders if he's ever going to be okay again.May be triggering.





	1. Chapter 1

The sun was too bright, even through the sunglasses he wore to hide the red, swollen appearance of his eyes after too many hours of crying to count.  Minhyuk hadn’t wanted to go back to the dorm; he hadn’t wanted to leave his mother alone.  But the music industry was a demanding mistress, and three days was all he could take off to help his mother deal with the aftermath of his father’s sudden death.

“Do you need anything?”  Minhyuk turned towards the manager that had been driving him back to the dorm as the man spoke, suddenly realizing that they were parked in front of the building.  He’d been so lost in his own world, he hadn’t even realized they’d made it so far across the city.

“Would you actually buy me a bottle of  _ soju _ if I asked you to do it?” Minhyuk asked.

There was a moment of silence, before the manager responded.  “Do you have the money?”

Minhyuk was surprised by the man’s response, but he quickly pulled out his wallet and passed over enough money cover the cost of a bottle of the cheap stuff.  “I really don’t care what it is… I just want a drink.”

“Just don’t tell anyone I did this for you, okay?  It’s special circumstances.”  Minhyuk nodded, before grabbing his backpack and getting out of the car to head inside and wait for the manager to come back with the alcohol he’d requested.

The dorm was silent - a fact that Minhyuk was thankful for.  He knew that the rest of the group was most likely in their basement practice room, working hard on the choreography they had been learning when he’d been pulled aside by one of the managers and sent to the hospital, with almost no explanation of what was going on.  And while normally he would have craved the intensity of their rehearsals after being separated from his friends - his brothers - for so long, Minhyuk didn’t have the energy left in him to be the physical embodiment of sunshine that everyone expected him to be.  Logically he knew that he  _ should _ go down to rehearsal instead of staying in the dorm to wallow in self-pity.  But the idea of trying to do anything at that moment was just too much for Minhyuk to think about; he was too emotionally exhausted to do anything more than the absolute necessities.

Forcing himself to focus on putting his possessions away was pretty much the only thing that kept the tears from beginning to fall again.  After three days of almost non-stop crying, Minhyuk was surprised that he had any tears left to shed - and yet just about every time he gave himself the opportunity to stop and think about everything that was going on, that was exactly what happened.  The only thing that seemed to stop them was having something else to focus on - a task, a problem,  _ something _ that would keep his mind from wandering back to that afternoon as he’d stood over his father’s hospital bed, holding the man’s hand and telling him it was okay to let go even as his heart failed.  Minhyuk felt guilty for lying to his father in that moment, because it  _ hadn’t _ been okay - not really.  Minhyuk hadn't wanted to let his father go.  He wasn't old enough to be dealing with all of this.

Minhyuk didn’t even realize that the manager was in the dorm until the man cleared his throat, holding out a bag that obviously contained a bottle.  “Don’t drink too much, eh?  You can’t hold your liquor…”

Minhyuk just nodded, before taking the bottle into the kitchen and grabbing a glass from the stack of dishes that Kihyun had clearly washed earlier that day.  A small part of his brain felt guilty that the first thing he’d done upon returning to the dorm - even before he’d fully unpacked from his time at home - was make a mess.  But he couldn’t bring himself to care that he was making a mess for someone else to clean up.  Minhyuk hadn’t been able to make himself care about much of anything in the days since his father’s death.

Time didn’t have much meaning as Minhyuk drank.  Although he was being careful not to drink too quickly, he knew that he was far gone enough that he would have an impressive hangover in the morning by the time the dorm door opened again.  Minhyuk didn’t bother to look up, even as he felt someone gently taking the glass out of his hand.  He did look up, however, when Hyunwoo took the bottle away from him, replacing the cap and putting it on the highest shelf above the sink without saying a word.

“Drink this.”  Kihyun pushed an open bottle of water into his hands, as Hyunwoo sat down next to MInhyuk at the table.   Minhyuk did as he was told, with Hyunwoo watching him carefully.  Finally, the older man spoke up.  

“How are you doing?”  Minhyuk couldn’t help scoffing at the question, even though he knew that Hyunwoo was asking because he was concerned.  Still, Minhyuk didn’t really think that it was necessary to answer the question, given what he’d just been caught doing.  “You don’t normally drink…”

“I don’t normally have to bury my father.”  

Minhyuk closed his eyes, leaning over to let his forehead rest on the table.  The sensation of Hyunwoo’s hand in his hair was comforting, even as the man gently scratched at his scalp.  “I’m sorry, Minhyuk…”

There was a long silence, broken only by the sound of Kihyun making something in the background as Hyunwoo continued to gently play with Minhyuk’s hair.  Eventually, though, the older man pulled his hand away.  “You should drink more water, so that you don’t wake up sick in the morning.”

“I’d rather just not wake up.”  

Minhyuk didn’t even really register what he’d said, until he felt the older man physically lifting him back to a seated position.  “You can’t talk like that… why would you say something like that?”  Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling confused, as he tried to remember what he’d said that would cause such a strong reaction from the group’s leader.

“What…?”  Minhyuk turned to look at Kihyun, as the group’s mother-figure sat a bowl of noodles down in front of him.  “What did I say?”

“You said you didn’t want to wake up in the morning…” Kihyun supplied, pressing a pair of chopsticks into his hand.  “Just eat… and drink your water.”

No one said anything else about Minhyuk’s slip of the tongue, at least not until he’d finished eating the noodles Kihyun had cooked and drunk most of the water from the bottle.  “You’re staying in our room tonight,” Hyunwoo commented, as Kihyun took the dishes away.  “You’re drunk, and you’re depressed.  I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

Minhyuk nodded, knowing that he wouldn’t win this argument; Hyunwoo would likely simply pick him up and physically move him into the other room if necessary, despite any attempts he might make at protesting the change.  And if he was being honest, Minhyuk wanted Hyunwoo nearby - even though he claimed to be fine, Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling worried about what he might do if he was left alone.  “I’m sorry,  _ hyung _ …”

“Don’t worry about it,” Hyunwoo replied, shaking his head as he stood up.  “Let’s get you to bed.”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, letting both Hyunwoo and Kihyun help him to his feet before leaning against Hyunwoo and letting the older man practically drag him back towards the bathroom because he was too drunk to really do it himself.  Hyunwoo carefully sat Minhyuk down on the lid of the toilet, before fixing the younger man’s toothbrush and handing it to him so that he could get ready for bed.

It took Minhyuk much longer than it really should have to get ready for bed, and he had to admit that he was thankful when Hyunwoo helped him into the bedroom and carefully tucked him into Hyunwoo’s own bunk.  “I can’t take your bed…”

“Don’t worry about it.  Just get some sleep.”


	2. Chapter 2

The sounds of everyone beginning to get up and start their days in the dorm echoed painfully through Minhyuk’s brain, making it difficult for him to fight back the nausea that accompanied his throbbing headache and dry mouth.  Minhyuk vaguely remembered Hyunwoo coming to bed at some point after he’d fallen asleep, and Kihyun waking the older man up so that he could get in the shower before everyone was up.  

Minhyuk didn’t even open his eyes as he felt one of the other members putting a hand on his shoulder through the blanket someone had placed over him during the night.  “Minhyukkie…  it’s time to wake up.”  Minhyuk opened his eyes slowly at the sound of Kihyun's voice.  “Drink this.  It’ll help.”

“Thank you, Kihyun.”  Minhyuk forced himself to sit up as Kihyun uncapped the bottle of water, before putting it into Minhyuk’s hand and watching silently as he began to drink.  “What are we supposed to do today?”

“Just rehearsal.  We need to get you caught up on the dance we were working on…”  Kihyun trailed off, and Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling as if it was because the man didn’t want to risk saying anything that might upset him.  Minhyuk nodded slowly.  “I’m going to go finish breakfast… are you okay?”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, before taking another drink from the bottle of water.  “Finish that… I’ll bring you some ibuprofen when I come back.”

Minhyuk just nodded, doing as he was told and watching as Kihyun stood up and slapped Hyungwon with Hyunwoo’s pillow a few times in an attempt at waking him up before sighing and leaving the room again to finish breakfast.  Under any other circumstances, Minhyuk probably would have found the situation entertaining, but at that moment it just served to make his headache worse.

Eventually, Hyunwoo came back into the room, towel-drying his hair for a moment before hanging up his towel again on his bunk and poking Hyungwon before kneeling to look at Minhyuk.  “How’s your head?”

“Hurts,” Minhyuk replied, drinking a bit more of his water bottle.

Hyunwoo nodded, before taking the water bottle and holding out a hand.  “You should get up before Hyungwon has a chance to take over the shower… it’ll help you’ll feel better.”  Minhyuk nodded, letting the older man take the bottle of water before helping him up from the bed so that he wouldn’t hit his head on Hyungwon’s upper bunk.  Hyunwoo’s help was much appreciated, as Minhyuk lost his balance almost as soon as he was on his feet.  “Whoa… take it easy.”

Minhyuk closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath as Hyunwoo held him up  up for a moment until he was a bit steadier on his feet.  “I’m sorry,  _ hyung _ …”

“Don’t apologize,” Hyunwoo replied.  “Can you stand up?”

Minhyuk nodded slowly, opening his eyes and straightening up so that he wasn’t relying on the older man to hold him up any longer.  “I think I need to eat or take something for my head before I try to take a shower…” Minhyuk began.

Hyunwoo didn’t let Minhyuk get too far away as they both went into the kitchen, where Kihyun had just finished throwing together a simple breakfast for everyone.  Minhyuk couldn’t help noticing the way everyone else sort of kept their distance, giving him space when that was the last thing he really wanted.  What he really wanted was for his friends to take on his usual role - showing him physical affection and trying to cheer him up - but Minhyuk didn’t feel right  _ asking _ for someone to give him that type of attention when he was the one who typically gave the other members such a distraction.

Minhyuk hardly had time to finish his breakfast and get a shower before it was time to go down to the rehearsal studio, and he didn’t actually have a chance to dry his hair, let alone give himself time for the ibuprofen Kihyun had given him after breakfast to actually kick in.  He couldn’t think straight, or actually follow any of the instructions he was given, and eventually the rehearsal ended up with Minhyuk slumped over in the middle of the rehearsal room floor as he tried not to break down in tears, from a combination of sadness and frustration that he couldn’t quite vocalize to his brothers.

“Minhyukkie?”  Minhyuk didn’t respond, even as he felt Hoseok’s hand on his shoulder.  “Come on… let’s go outside for a few minutes and get some air…”  Minhyuk let the older man haul him to his feet, stumbling along up the stairs at the other man’s insistence until they were out on the street.  Despite the fact that the weather was nice, Minhyuk couldn’t help shivering slightly.  “You shouldn’t be back yet… it’s too soon…”

“We have a comeback to prepare for,” Minhyuk replied.  “I can’t miss any more rehearsals… it’s been four days…”

“You don’t get drunk, but last night you drank half a bottle of soju on your own.  You’re obviously depressed…” Hoseok began softly.

“My father just died!”  Minhyuk yelled, punching the exterior wall of the building without thinking about it, until Hoseok wrapped his arms around Minhyuk’s arms and chest to pull him away.  Minhyuk tried to fight against the man’s arms, but Hoseok was significantly stronger and Minhyuk was still not feeling well due to the soju he’d consumed the night before.    Eventually, Minhyuk stopped fighting, collapsing against Hoseok’s arms and nearly dragging both of them to the ground before the other man could sit him down carefully and move to sit on the sidewalk in front of him.  

“Hey… look at me.”  Minhyuk did as he was told, not even bothering to try and hide the tears that had begun to stream down his face at some point during the entire outburst.  Minhyuk hadn’t even noticed them until Wonho reached up and started to wipe them away with his sleeve.  “Let me see your hand.”

Minhyuk could see that his knuckles were scratched up and slightly bloody from punching the brick wall, and that his hand was starting to swell slightly, but the pain that should have been there didn’t register at all.  “I’m sorry,  _ hyung _ …”

“Come on… let’s go upstairs and put some ice on your hand,” Hoseok replied, not bothering to acknowledge Minhyuk’s apology.  Instead, the man lifted Minhyuk to his feet and put an arm around his shoulders to lead him back inside.

Minhyuk felt sick as he realized that some of the others were watching them from the stairwell, even though Hoseok waved them away as Jooheon and Kihyun both tried to approach them.  “You guys go back to rehearsal… I’m going to take Minhyuk upstairs for a little while.  We’ll be back.”

“I’m okay…” Minhyuk began, trying to turn and head back down the stairs despite the fact that his injured hand was still sort of numb.  But Hoseok held tightly onto his shoulders, forcing him towards the stairs that would lead up towards their dorm.

“Your hand is bleeding,  _ hyung _ …” Jooheon began.  

Minhyuk could see Kihyun starting up the stairs again, until Hoseok put up a hand to stop him.  “I’ve got it covered, Kihyun… go back to rehearsal, and tell Hyunwoo that we’re going to be a little while.”

Hoseok settled Minhyuk on the couch as soon as they got to the dorm, before running into the kitchen to grab some ice wrapped in a kitchen towel.  Minhyuk winced as the other man placed the ice on the back of his hand.  “It’ll get bloody…” Minhyuk began.

“So?  You need to ice your hand,” Hoseok replied, before heading into the bathroom and returning with a first aid kit.  “How does it feel?”

Minhyuk shrugged.  “I don’t feel anything.”  

Minhyuk could see that Hoseok was concerned by his response, although the man didn’t say anything about it as he opened the kit and moved the ice away from the back of Minhyuk’s hand.  Hoseok held his hand carefully, gently feeling the bones in Minhyuk’s hand to check and see if anything was broken.  While he could slowly start to feel the bruising that was forming on his knuckles, Minhyuk’s hand didn’t really hurt otherwise.  Eventually, the other man sighed and started to clean out the wounds on his knuckles, before wrapping Minhyuk’s hand to keep the injured skin clean.

“You should have asked for more time…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, letting his head drop so that he was facing the floor.  “I know that you don’t want to hear it, but you need to take care of yourself.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.  “I have to work… I have a responsibility…”

“How can you take on responsibility for the younger members when you aren’t even capable of taking care of yourself right now?” Hoseok interrupted.  “You have every right to be upset and depressed right now, Minhyuk… you lost someone important to you, and you haven’t even had a chance to come to terms with that yet.  Ask for more time.  I’m sure if you explain, the company will understand…”

Minhyuk couldn’t bring himself to tell his friend that he  _ had _ asked for more time, but that the company representative he’d spoken to the previous morning had insisted that getting back to work would be good for him - a distraction from his pain, something to focus on that would help him heal.  

But it wasn’t; he couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t really think properly.  Couldn’t be the Minhyuk that he was supposed to be - the happy guy, the little ray of sunshine that made everything better, even when times were hard.  And just the thought of how much he was letting his brothers down was enough to make the tears that Minhyuk had been fighting to keep at bay spill out again. While Hoseok wasn’t exactly the first person Minhyuk would have chosen to see him like this, he couldn’t stop it from happening.  And even though he wasn’t Minhyuk’s first choice, Minhyuk was thankful for Hoseok’s presence as his older friend wrapped him in a tight hug and simply let him cry, ignoring the fact that Minhyuk’s tears were soaking through his tee shirt.

Minhyuk didn’t even realize that he’d fallen asleep in the older man’s arms until he woke up to Hoseok gently rubbing his back.  And while he hated himself for being weak and crying in front of someone else, Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling at least a little bit better because he at least knew that there were people within the company that cared about his wellbeing, even if the management seemed somewhat indifferent.

“Everything okay?”  Minhyuk didn’t move, even as he heard Kihyun’s voice from across the room.  Even though his eyes were open, he wasn’t sure that he  _ wanted _ to be awake for this conversation.

“He’s a mess,” Hoseok replied, still unaware that Minhyuk had woken up.  “Minhyuk should be at home, with his mom… not here.”

“Hoseok…” Kihyun warned.  Minhyuk could see the man motioning towards him out of the corner of his eye, trying to indicate that Minhyuk was awake and could hear what was being said.

“It isn’t as if he doesn’t know… I said it to his face earlier, too,” Hoseok responded.  “We need to talk to the managers, convince them that we have to give Minhyuk a break.  He’s not in any position to work right now…”

“They’ve announced the release…” Kihyun began.

“He punched a wall, Kihyun… it’s a miracle he didn’t break his hand…”  Minhyuk could feel Hoseok’s heart rate starting to increase as he spoke.  “There’s a lot we put up with… but this is one thing that I can’t just watch happen.  Minhyuk is our friend, and they’re going to push him until he falls apart completely if we don’t protect him.”

“Minhyuk’s an adult,” Kihyun replied.

“This isn’t a matter of whether or not Minhyuk is an adult; he’s not himself right now, and I don’t think that he  _ could _ fight for himself even if he wanted to…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes again, knowing that he really didn’t want to hear this conversation, even though it was about him.

“It’s too early,” Kihyun replied.  “Anyone would still be screwed up four days after losing a parent.”

Minhyuk could feel Hoseok sigh.  “So then what do we do?”

“I’ll talk to Hyunwoo… see if we can buy at least a few days.”


	3. Chapter 3

A few days wasn’t enough, but Minhyuk didn’t really talk to the rest of the group about what was going on in his head.  He knew that they could tell that he wasn’t okay; Minhyuk still couldn’t bring himself to play his part properly, to be the mood-maker and keep everyone else’s spirits up even as they worked harder than ever to prepare for a comeback.  But they were counting on him, even if no one would say it, and Minhyuk needed  _ something _ to keep him going.  And the knowledge that the rest of the group needed him was the only thing he really had to hold onto, to keep him moving forward and working towards their common goal.  He felt lost, as if his body was there in the present, but the rest of him had disappeared down into the grave where they’d buried his father.

Minhyuk didn’t look up as Hoseok ruffled his hair after a particularly good run of the new song, keeping his eyes trained on the floor as the other man sat down on his right, facing him.  “That was good, yeah?”

“Yeah… it was great,” Minhyuk replied, forcing a smile that was more for the benefit of keeping up appearances than anything else.

Minhyuk hardly noticed the look of concern that flashed across Hoseok’s face at Minhyuk’s apathy over the whole situation.  “Minhyukkie…” the man said, barely above a whisper.

“We should run it again, yeah?” Minhyuk suggested, taking another swig out of his water bottle before hurrying to get to his feet and put away the bottle before the next run.

The rehearsal lasted well into the night, until everyone in the room was exhausted and dripping sweat; all in all, a fairly typical evening for the group.  But even as the rest of the group started to gather their belongings and head upstairs, Minhyuk hung back a bit, still nursing the bottle of water he’d abandoned earlier in the evening.  “You coming,  _ hyung _ ?” Changkyun asked, after everyone else had already left the room.

Minhyuk shook his head.  “I just want to run it a few more times… I missed a lot…”

Changkyun nodded, dropping his own belongings on the bench by the door.  “I can stay… help you run the music.”

“No… go ahead, go to bed.  I won’t be that long,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.

Despite Minhyuk’s protests, Changkyun moved back to the studio’s sound system and started to set it up to play the song again, before coming towards the center of the room and positioning himself next to Minhyuk, leaving just enough distance so that they wouldn’t run into one another as they danced.  Minhyuk did his best to pretend that he wasn’t annoyed with the maknae for refusing to leave him alone, but at the end of the song he walked away from the younger man and sat down against the wall, letting his head fall back against the sheetrock as Changkyun stopped the music.

“Do you want to go again?”

“I want to be by myself,” Minhyuk replied, not looking up at the younger member of the group.  Minhyuk could see Changkyun standing in the middle of the room, but instead of moving away the man moved over to the mirrors and sat down.  “Can you please just leave me alone?”

There was a brief moment of silence, almost as if Changkyun was considering what Minhyuk had said.  “You would tell us if you weren’t okay, right,  _ hyung _ ?”

The maknae’s words were soft, almost as if he was afraid to ask the question for fear of what Minhyuk might say in response.  And Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling a bit bad that he’d obviously worried the younger man with his behavior over the past several days.  “I’m not okay,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.  “I don’t know when, or even if I’m going to be okay again.  But right now… right now, I have to worry about Monsta X.  It isn’t about me.”

There was a moment of silence, almost as if Changkyun was trying to process what he’d just said.  “What can we do to help?”

Minhyuk closed his eyes, sighing.  “I don’t know,” he replied, shaking his head.  “I don’t know what’s going on in my own head right now.”

“But you’ll ask for help, right?  If it gets bad?”  Minhyuk nodded, reaching up and pushing his hair back out of his face.  “Don’t stay up too late, okay,  _ hyung _ ? You’re starting to get dark circles under your eyes.”

“I’ll be up soon.”

Changkyun’s absence gave Minhyuk the chance to relax properly for the first time in days; he’d managed to confine his tears to the time just before bed, after the lights were out and everyone else in the room was asleep, but all of the emotions that he had been holding in since the conversation between Hoseok and Kihyun were starting to force themselves to the surface and he needed to let them out in private.

The tears welled up to the surface almost faster than Minhyuk was aware of them, and he couldn’t choke back the loud, shaking sobs that came out of his mouth.  Minhyuk couldn’t really control what was going on with his body, as his legs spread out in front of him and he fell over on the floor.

Minhyuk wasn’t sure how long he lay there, letting the tears fall and the sobs escape his lips - giving into the emotions that he wasn’t prepared to show his bandmates.  Even once the outburst had ended, Minhyuk couldn’t bring himself to move and go back up to the dorm.  He was exhausted - not just physically, but also emotionally.  He could vaguely see his reflection in the mirror across the room, and he knew that his group members would instantly know that he had been crying if he walked in while they were still awake.

He didn’t remember falling asleep on the floor, but Minhyuk was distinctly aware of someone picking him up, wrapping his arms around a set of broad shoulders before he was lifted onto the person’s back.  They were halfway up the stairs before Minhyuk was really awake enough to register the fact that Hyunwoo was carrying him all the way up the four flights of stairs to their dormitory.  “I can walk…” Minhyuk muttered, awkwardly trying to disentangle himself from the older man.

“Let me get to the landing,” Hyunwoo replied.  “Then I’ll put you down.”

Minhyuk forced his eyes open as they stopped on the landing despite the fact that his eyes were dry and painful from falling asleep with his contacts in, taking a moment to steady himself before letting go of the older man’s shoulders.  “What time is it?”

“About three… Kihyun woke up and realized you’d never come upstairs, so he woke me up to come look for you,” Hyunwoo replied.  Minhyuk nodded slowly, following the older man upstairs and into the dorm.  He was about to go into his room to collapse into bed after kicking off his shoes, when Hyunwoo put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.  “Minhyuk… Changkyun told me what you said… about not being okay…”  Minhyuk looked down at the floor, uncomfortable with the idea of looking the man in the eye.  “It isn’t your job to worry about Monsta X, Minhyuk… not right now.  You need to worry about yourself.”

“Monsta X is the only thing keeping me going right now,” Minhyuk replied.  Minhyuk was surprised when the older man moved to pull him into a tight hug.  While Hyunwoo wasn’t the most outspoken person when it came to emotional things, the man seemed to have a good idea of what Minhyuk needed at that moment - perhaps even moreso than Minhyuk himself did.

“Do you want to stay with me tonight?”

“Please.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Do you want to talk about it?”  Minhyuk looked up at the sound of Jooheon’s voice, as the younger man sat down on the top of the stairs next to Minhyuk.  Minhyuk shook his head, biting his thumbnail and staring straight ahead at the wall of the stairwell.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Minhyuk replied softly.

There was a moment of silence, before Jooheon nodded. “You’re right… I don’t understand,  _ hyung _ ,” Jooheon replied.  “But if you need someone to talk to, you know that we’re all here for you.  And you really look like you could use someone to talk to right now.”

Minhyuk sighed, letting his head rest on the rapper’s shoulder.  “If I start to talk about it, I don’t know that I’ll be able to keep my emotions in check.  And we don’t have the time for me to have a breakdown - not when our comeback is tomorrow.”

“We should have refused…” Jooheon began, moving his hand up to muss Minhyuk’s hair.  “We should have forced them to push it back, so that you could have time to take care of yourself with everything that’s happened…”

Minhyuk shook his head, letting his eyes close.  “I don’t know that it would have helped…”

“It couldn’t have hurt,” Jooheon replied.

There was a moment of silence, before Minhyuk spoke again.  “I’m sorry for not being myself, lately… I know that it’s supposed to be my job to help keep everyone’s spirits up…”

“Don’t even start,” Jooheon interrupted.  Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling frustrated; every time he tried to apologize to anyone in the group for his strange behavior, they almost immediately cut him off and told him that he didn’t need to apologize.

“Why do you all keep doing that?” Minhyuk asked, sitting up and turning to look at the rapper.  “Why is it that every time I try to apologize, all of you act like I’m not the one responsible for the fact that everyone is feeling down?”

“Because it  _ isn’t _ your fault,” Jooheon replied.  “We’re all tired and stressed, and we understand that you have the worst of it right now… no one expects you to be back to normal this quickly, when you haven’t even been given a chance to actually properly take care of yourself.  But we are all worried about you, because you seem to be blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault…”

Minhyuk couldn’t help staring down at his feet as Jooheon spoke, realizing that the younger man was just trying to take care of him.  And while he appreciated the fact that his brothers all truly cared about him - especially given the fact that all six of them had approached him at least a couple of times to just check in when he was particularly out of it during a rehearsal or recording session - it was starting to feel oppressive and more stressful than anything else.

“Can we please just not talk about it?  Any of it?” Minhyuk asked, knowing that his tone was a bit more biting than he’d really intended for it to be.  He didn’t intend to be rude, but Minhyuk’s head was a mess and he was struggling to keep himself from allowing his tears to to start falling again.  He couldn’t give in; Minhyuk had managed to make it through most of the day without giving in to the tears that were threatening to fall, but their evening break and his conversation with Jooheon was making it more difficult by the moment.  Minhyuk stood up, taking a deep breath.  “I’m going back downstairs to run it again…”

“What about dinner?” Jooheon asked. 

Minhyuk didn’t turn around to answer his friend.  “I’ll eat later… I’m not hungry right now,” Minhyuk replied.

“You have to eat…”

“I will.  Just… later.”  Minhyuk was halfway down to the basement before he realized that Jooheon was following him.  “Jooheon- _ ah _ … go back up and eat.  I’ll be fine, I just need to go run the song alone a few times…”

“You’ve got it down… Minhyuk, you’ve got to rest…”  Minhyuk stopped as he felt Jooheon’s hand on his shoulder.  “Please… if you aren’t going to eat, at least come upstairs and take a break.  I know you aren’t sleeping…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes for a moment, until he felt Jooheon’s arms wrapping around his shoulders; he hadn’t even realized he was swaying on his feet until that moment.  “Seriously… come upstairs and get some rest.  You don’t need to rehearse more, you need to take care of yourself.”

Minhyuk nodded, letting Jooheon turn him around and guide him back up the stairs to their dorm.  By the time they arrived at the door, Minhyuk had already lost his ability to keep the tears from falling.  Although he was still able to keep the sobs under control enough so that no one else seemed to notice that anything was wrong as Jooheon led him into the room they shared, Minhyuk had to bury his face into his pillow to keep the rest of the group from hearing him sobbing again.  Minhyuk had expected Jooheon to leave him alone, but the other man kept a hand on his back, rubbing it gently in an attempt at comforting Minhyuk as he cried.  It wasn’t long before someone else came into the room. 

“Is everything okay?”  Minhyuk didn’t turn to look at the source of the voice, but he knew that it was Hyunwoo coming to check on them.

Minhyuk felt Jooheon’s hand pause on his back, as if the younger rapper was trying to get Minhyuk to respond to the question their leader had asked.  Finally, Jooheon spoke up.  “I don’t know… he was going to go downstairs to rehearse more, but I convinced him to come take a nap or something.  I don’t know what happened after that…”

Minhyuk could hear the sigh that came from Hyunwoo, as the man sat down on the floor next to his bed.  “We should have pushed the company to give him more time,” Hyunwoo commented.  Minhyuk felt the older man smoothing the hair on the back of his head.  Minhyuk wanted to pull himself away from both of the men and just be alone, but at the same time he really wanted the comfort of knowing that the others cared about him.

“What are we going to do in the morning if he isn’t able to perform?”

Minhyuk sat up slightly at that question, turning to face the other two men and shaking his head.  “I can do it… I can perform.”  Minhyuk wiped away his tears as Hyunwoo looked at him appraisingly, carefully watching Minhyuk’s face for any sign that he really wasn’t going to be okay to go on stage the next day.  “I just… I  _ need _ to do this.  I need to get through promotions.  I can’t let them down…”

“It isn’t letting anyone down if you ask for help.  You’re not okay…” Jooheon replied.

“I  _ have _ to be okay,” Minhyuk replied.  “I can do this… I can make it through, at least until we get a break.  And then I’ll take a break, and I’ll get it all sorted out.  I promise.”


	5. Chapter 5

They’d made it three weeks into the promotion period, and while Minhyuk had been doing his best, the façade he’d built up was starting to crack.  It wasn’t just that he was physically and emotionally exhausted by having to fake his usual warm, sunny personality; that was a struggle, but he knew that his fans deserved his best - especially after they’d gotten their first music show win during their second week promoting, which had been a huge and welcome surprise.  Minhyuk knew that the knowledge he had disappointed the Monbebes would only make him feel even worse than he already did.  But Minhyuk could tell that he was getting sick, and it was going to be bad.  It had started off as just a nagging cough towards the end of their first week - something that wasn’t uncommon during the colder weather.  But after two weeks, Minhyuk only seemed to be getting worse.

While the entirety of Monsta X knew that he was sick, it wasn’t until they were filming an episode of After School Club towards the end of the third week that anyone - Minhyuk included - seemed to realize just how bad his illness had gotten.  Sure, he’d been shivering all day, and his performance during their new song was definitely not at its best - especially given the fact that he’d been struggling to breathe through most of the dance and had broken down in a coughing fit afterwards.  That had caused filming to pause for a few moments so he could catch his breath and get a drink of water.  But it wasn’t until the end of the whole ordeal that the severity of Minhyuk’s illness became apparent.

Minhyuk didn’t typically struggle with the double-time dancing - he’d even done it while sick before, with only minimal issues.  But this time was different, and after the first round Minhyuk could hardly catch his breath.  He felt dizzy as the MCs talked, calling him out alongside Hoseok as being the members that had failed to complete the first round successfully, and it was only through holding onto Jooheon and Kihyun’s shoulders that he was able to even stay on his feet.

“I’m sorry… can we pause…?”  Minhyuk was surprised by Kihyun’s question, because the younger man seemed to be fine.  It wasn’t until one of the PDs agreed to stop filming and Kihyun turned towards him that Minhyuk realized it was for his own benefit, rather than because Kihyun himself needed a break.  “Are you okay?”  Minhyuk shook his head in response to the whispered question, closing his eyes and letting his head rest against the other man’s shoulder.  “Jesus… you’re burning up…”

“What’s going on?”  Minhyuk could hear one of the managers asking the question in a rushed whisper, an attempt at hiding any issues from the show’s filming crew in hopes that they would be able to continue filming after a brief break, but he didn’t have the energy left to lift his head.

“Minhyuk’s sick… he’s running a fever, and I don’t think he can finish,” Kihyun replied.

“I can finish… we’re almost done…” Minhyuk began, as he felt the manager’s cold hand pressing against the back of his neck and shivered again.

“No… we’re going to have to cut filming short…” the manager began.

Minhyuk forced himself to stand up at that pronouncement, shaking his head.  The last thing he wanted to do was cause the rest of the group to look bad in front of the show’s crew, knowing that they wanted to be invited back in the future if at all possible.  Even if he couldn’t continue, it was important that everyone else be given the chance to keep going and fulfill their commitment.  “No… no, I’ll sit out, but let the other guys finish,” he replied.  

Minhyuk watched as the manager looked him up and down, clearly trying to determine whether or not Minhyuk would actually be capable of staying at the studio for the rest of the time it would take to film, before nodding and taking him by the arm.  “Kihyun… help me get him over here to sit down…”

The remainder of the filming went off with little problem, with just a brief, made-up explanation that Minhyuk had a minor injury and wouldn’t be performing the double-time dancing before they filmed the first round again.  Minhyuk was able to convince the manager to let him rejoin the rest of the group to film their goodbyes, although he felt fairly certain that it would be obvious to anyone watching him at that moment that their injury story was all a lie.

“Hey… Minhyuk- _ hyung _ … do you want to swap seats with me?”  Minhyuk was surprised by Changkyun’s words as they started to get in the van.  Their maknae had been in the front seat that morning on the way to the television studio, and they typically didn’t switch seats during the day when they were running around.  It was especially strange given the fact that Minhyuk had been in the very back of the vehicle, the seats that no one ever really wanted to take.

“You should sit up front… it’ll be easier for you to get in and out when you’re not feeling well,” Kihyun commented, guiding Minhyuk towards the front seat of the vehicle as Changkyun started to get in the back and climb into Minhyuk’s former seat without waiting for an answer.  Minhyuk just nodded, letting himself be guided into the vehicle and buckling his seatbelt.  He was surprised when Kihyun took off his own coat, draping it over Minhyuk’s torso as he shivered.  “Get some rest, okay?  You look exhausted.”

“You’re going to be cold without your coat,” Minhyuk replied, reaching up to adjust the mask he wore over his face so that he could breathe a bit easier.

“I’m fine… it’s not that cold.”  Kihyun shut Minhyuk’s door, before climbing into the back of the van and claiming the seat directly behind the driver, where Jooheon had been sitting on the drive to the studio.  Minhyuk knew that the seat changes were for his benefit - the group was worried about him, and they were changing their routines so that they could take care of him and make sure that he was okay.

Minhyuk only vaguely remembered the drive back to the dorm; he knew that the heat in the van was turned on, but he was still shivering - especially when Kihyun occasionally reached out to press a cold hand against Minhyuk’s forehead, clearly trying to keep an eye on the fever Minhyuk had been running at the TV studio until they could get home and properly check his temperature.  It wasn’t until he heard the door opening next to him that Minhyuk really registered that they had arrived back to the dorm, but it took him a moment to really wake up enough to make any move to help as Hyunwoo silently unbuckled his seatbelt and started to pick him up.  “I can walk…” Minhyuk began.

“Shh… go back to sleep.  I’ve got you.”  Minhyuk wanted to argue, but his lungs seemed to be determined to keep Minhyuk from pretending that he was okay as another coughing fit hit, making him see black spots in front of his eyes as he struggled to fill his lungs with oxygen again.  Minhyuk ripped the mask off his face as he coughed, regretting it when the cold outside air only made his cough worse.  He finally managed to catch his breath, exhausted, and he let his head fall against Hyunwoo’s shoulder.

“Get him inside quickly and put him to bed…” the manager began.  “I’m going to go ahead and talk to the company about cancelling his schedule for tomorrow… if he isn’t doing any better, or if he gets worse during the night, call me.  Even if it’s the middle of the night.”

Minhyuk didn’t try to fight it as the group’s leader carried him into the building, even taking the stairs rather than waiting in the cold lobby for the elevator to take them up.  All Minhyuk wanted at that point was his bed, and maybe a hot cup of tea to warm him up a little bit.  But the rest of the group didn’t seem to have the same idea, as Hyunwoo put him down on the couch and took his shoes off.  “I need to take a shower and change clothes…” Minhyuk began.  “I feel gross…”

“At least let us take your temperature and get some kind of medication in you first,” Hyunwoo replied, as Kihyun came out of the bathroom with the thermometer and a bottle of Tylenol.  “I’ll get him some water.”

Minhyuk closed his eyes as Kihyun stuck the thermometer in his ear, waiting for the tell-tale beep that would let them know how high his fever really was.  “Shit… how are you even still functional right now?”  Minhyuk opened his eyes, surprised to see  _ 103.9 _ emblazoned on the screen of the thermometer.  Kihyun shook his head, quickly opening the bottle and pulling out two pills before handing them to Minhyuk as Hyunwoo came back and handed Minhyuk a bottle of water.  “His fever’s really high… I think we should send someone to get Advil, just in case the Tylenol doesn’t bring his fever down enough.”

“I’ll go get it,” Hyunwoo replied, pressing his hand against the side of Minhyuk’s face for a moment.  “Do you still want to get a shower?”  Minhyuk nodded, getting a mouthful of water and quickly swallowing the two pills Kihyun had provided.

“I’ve got it covered - if you can get the medicine for him.”


	6. Chapter 6

Minhyuk was freezing; even with all of the blankets from his bed piled on top of him, he couldn’t stop shivering.  And the dull ache in his head that had begun shortly after his shower earlier in the night had turned into a full-blown, raging monster inside his skull, making it almost impossible for Minhyuk to even move.

The sound of Kihyun’s voice cut through the silence in the room, almost like an explosion in Minhyuk’s head.  “Minhyukkie?  Are you okay?”

Minhyuk groaned slightly as he felt the couch shift under the other man’s weight, as Kihyun gently pressed something damp and cool against the back of his neck.  “Please go away…”

“I need to check your temperature,” Kihyun replied, gently putting his hand on Minhyuk’s back, just below the wet cloth.  Minhyuk tried to pull away, but there wasn’t any room to move on the little couch.  He winced as he heard the beep of the thermometer turning on again, before Kihyun placed the device in his ear and waited for it to beep.

The beep felt like another explosion in Minhyuk’s head, but the coughing fit that came after it was a million times worse.  There were black spots dancing through his vision, and he could feel the cloth slip off the back of his neck as Kihyun rubbed his back softly.  Eventually the coughing subsided, leaving Minhyuk’s head pounding and his lungs gasping for air.  He collapsed against Kihyun as the younger man pulled him into a seated position, Minhyuk’s head resting on his shoulder.

“I’m calling the manager, Minhyuk… you’re getting worse…”

Minhyuk wanted to protest, to argue that he didn’t need the manager to come take care of him.  But at the same time, he knew that this wasn’t right; he wasn’t supposed to be struggling to breathe, fighting to keep himself from blacking out each time he began to cough and wanting to die from the intense pain in his head.

Kihyun didn’t move, even once Minhyuk caught his breath again.  “How high?”  The two words were just about all Minhyuk could manage to get out, as poorly as he was breathing.  But it was clearly enough, as Kihyun placed the cool, wet cloth on the back of his neck again.

“It’s higher than it was when we got home,” Kihyun replied, without giving a specific number.  Minhyuk closed his eyes, nodding slightly against the other man’s shoulder.  “It’s going to be okay… sit up for a minute, I need to give you more Advil to try and bring your fever down.”

“It hurts,” Minhyuk whispered, letting Kihyun gently move his body so that he was leaning back against the back of the couch, head rolling back against the wall behind him.

“What hurts?”  

Minhyuk hadn’t even realized that he’d made the comment out loud.  “My head… it’s going to explode…”  He felt Kihyun take his hand, pressing a couple of pills into his palm.  MInhyuk opened his eyes, taking a sip out of the bottle of water Kihyun handed him and quickly swallowing the pills in the hopes that it would help  _ something _ .

“Try and drink some more water, okay?  I’ll be right back.”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, as Kihyun moved the damp cloth to his forehead instead of the back of his neck.  He didn’t want to be awake; in fact, it was just about all he could do to not allow himself to drift off again, forcing himself to lift the bottle of water to his lips and take a few slow, small sips.  Minhyuk knew that he was getting dehydrated; his clothes were soaked with his own sweat, and Minhyuk couldn’t help shivering in the cool night air of the dorm.

Minhyuk hadn’t expected Kihyun to wake up someone else in the dorm, so he was surprised when he saw the blurry figure of the group’s leader coming out, rubbing the sleep from his eyes behind his glasses.  Minhyuk closed his eyes as Hyunwoo sat down next to him, gently pressing the back of his hand against Minhyuk’s burning hot cheek.  “How high was it, Kihyun?”

“104.5… he said his head feels like it’s going to explode, and it took him way too long to catch his breath when he started coughing a few minutes ago…” Kihyun replied.  “Do his lips look like they’re turning blue to you?”

“You stay with him, and make sure he drinks that water,” Hyunwoo replied, obviously avoiding the question.  “I’ll go make the call to the manager, see if he thinks we should wait for him or take Minhyuk in now.”  Minhyuk didn’t even need the older man to explain what he meant; there was no way that Minhyuk was going to escape a trip to the emergency room given his current condition.  And as ill as he felt, Minhyuk  _ wanted _ to go.  At least if he went to the hospital, he might begin to feel better.

There was an uncomfortable silence as they waited, with Minhyuk occasionally lifting the bottle of water to take a sip.  The cloth on his forehead was beginning to grow warm, taking on the heat from Minhyuk’s own body before Hyunwoo reentered the small apartment.  “What did manager- _ hyung _ say?” Kihyun replied.

“He’s on his way; he said to help him get cleaned up and ready to go to the emergency room,” Hyunwoo replied.  Minhyuk forced his eyes open, looking up at the older man.  “Hey… do you think you can walk?  We need to get you cleaned up and change your clothes…”

“I can’t…” Minhyuk began, trailing off as the cough came back with a vengeance.  Minhyuk vaguely recognized that one of the other men took the bottle of water from his hand, but he really couldn’t process much of anything else as he struggled to get oxygen into his lungs.  The black spots in front of his vision were only getting worse, even as the coughing subsided and Minhyuk was able to breathe a bit more easily.

“Kihyun… I’m going to take Minhyuk into the bathroom and get him cleaned up a bit.  Can you grab some clean pajamas for him, please?”  Minhyuk couldn’t do much other than watch as Kihyun walked away, until Hyunwoo pulled Minhyuk’s arm around his neck and carefully lifted him.  “God… you’re burning up…”

“It’s freezing,” Minhyuk muttered, letting his head rest against the man’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“I’m going to sit you down… do you think you can hold yourself up?”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, opening his eyes to help him keep his balance.  He did his best to help as the older man stripped off his soaked tee shirt, closing his eyes and gripping onto the side of the toilet seat lid at the way Hyunwoo hissed when he saw Minhyuk’s naked chest.  “God… you’ve lost weight…”

“I haven’t been hungry…” Minhyuk began.  He opened his eyes as he heard the water in the sink running, watching as the man wet a clean washcloth and brought it over to gently wipe the sweat off of Minhyuk’s skin.  Minhyuk couldn’t help shivering as the small amount of water left behind evaporated, making him even colder than he had already been.  “‘S cold…”

“I’m sorry… it’s as warm as I can make it,” Hyunwoo replied.  “Hot water would just make your fever get higher, and it’s already pushing the limits of what’s safe… it’s just getting higher, too…”

Minhyuk tried to respond, but his coughing began again, so intense that Hyunwoo had to hold him up so that he didn’t fall off the toilet’s lid.  By the time he was actually able to focus on what was going on around him again, Kihyun had returned with a change of clothes.  “Maybe we should just change his clothes and leave it at that… he’s just getting worse,” Kihyun commented.

Hyunwoo nodded.  “Okay.”

It took a few minutes for the three of them to complete the task of changing Minhyuk out of his soaked pajamas, in part because of the number of times they had to stop so that Minhyuk could cough and then catch his breath yet again.  They’d barely finished before the manager Hyunwoo had called came in, taking a quick look at Minhyuk before nodding.  “You were definitely right to call me… help me get his coat and shoes on, will you?”

“He’s too weak to walk on his own…” Kihyun began.  “I was the one who stayed up with him… I should go too, and help you get him to the hospital.”  

Minhyuk looked over at the manager, who thought it over for a moment and then nodded.  “Get your coat and shoes, too… I’ll bring you back once we know what’s going on.”

The process of getting to the hospital seemed to take forever; between the difficult process of actually getting down to the car and unexpected late-night traffic between the dorm and the nearest hospital.  By the time they arrived at the emergency room, Minhyuk could hardly hold his own head up due to exhaustion from having to fight so hard to breathe.  The mask the manager had insisted on putting over his mouth and nose to prevent him from either catching another illness or spreading whatever he had to others certainly wasn’t helping anything, either.  Minhyuk was just thankful for the wheelchair that the manager was able to get for him, so that he didn’t have to attempt to walk any further once they arrived at the hospital.

Minhyuk couldn’t help dozing off as he waited for the manager to get him registered, his head rolling forward repeatedly until the coughing began again.  Thankfully the hospital staff seemed to realize that he was seriously ill and they were quick to get him through the triage process and into an exam room.


	7. Chapter 7

Everything felt strange, almost as if it wasn’t completely real.  Minhyuk could hear voices around him, and he could see his mother and one of the managers nearby, but instead of being in the hospital they were back in the living room of his mother’s home, and no matter how much Minhyuk tried to get involved in their conversation it was as if they couldn’t hear what he was saying.  

“ _ Eomma _ … manager- _ hyung _ … why won’t you answer me?”

The words that the two were saying didn’t make sense to Minhyuk; they were talking about someone being sick, but everything they were saying seemed to just be nonsense and Minhyuk couldn’t make sense of any of it.

Eventually, Minhyuk gave up trying to figure out what was going on.  But as soon as he began to relax, everything around him began to change.  The temperature in the room began to drop rapidly, starting at his feet and moving up until he felt sure he would freeze.  But it wasn’t just the temperature; the room quickly turned dark and gloomy, as did the tone of the voices around him.  The change happened so quickly, it was startling; Minhyuk couldn’t really process what was going on.

The longer things went on, the stranger it all got; Minhyuk could feel someone hold his hand, but he couldn’t make his fingers wrap around their hand in response.  Things around him changed and morphed seemingly at random, and even though he tried to talk to the people that came in and out of his consciousness, he couldn’t get any of them to respond to him.  It was confusing and frustrating, and Minhyuk couldn’t figure out  _ what _ was going on.


	8. Chapter 8

Minhyuk woke up to the feeling of someone stroking his hair, smiling slightly as he realized that it was his mother.  He had to clear his throat slightly before he could speak, and Minhyuk couldn’t help noticing that his throat hurt.  “ _ Eomma _ …”

“Hey… you had to scare your  _ eomma _ like this, huh?”

“You can hear me…” Minhyuk began, squeezing his mother’s hand gently and realizing that he actually had control of his fingers again.

Minhyuk could see that his mother was confused by his comment.  “Of course I can hear you… you’re awake, and you’re talking to me…”

“Awake?”  It was Minhyuk’s turn to be confused.  “What happened?”

“You were really sick, baby… you’ve been in an induced coma for several days, on a ventilator so that your lungs could clear and heal…”  Minhyuk nodded, vaguely remembering the events that had lead up to all of the strange things had happened.  “Why did you ask if I could hear you?”

Minhyuk shook his head slowly, suddenly registering the fact that he was still being given oxygen via a tube stretched across his face.  “I just… I must have been dreaming…”

“The doctor said you might be aware of what was happening,” she began.  “It might be that you were hearing me talk to someone else in the room.”  Minhyuk started to respond, until a coughing fit stopped him from actually being able to say anything.  His mother quickly held an oxygen mask against his face, which seemed to help him catch his breath after it was over.  Finally, he was able to reach up and pull the mask away.  “Better?”

“I’m okay,  _ eomma _ .”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, relaxing back into the pillow.  “I think I’m going to sleep again… I’m so tired…”

“That’s okay.  You just rest.  I’ll be here when you wake up.”

When he woke up again, Minhyuk was thankful to see that his mother had kept her promise to be there.  But the fact that one of his managers was also in the room worried Minhyuk, because he wasn’t quite sure what the man’s presence actually meant.  Minhyuk just barely managed to catch the end of what the man was saying.  “... let me know when he’s feeling better.”

“Of course.”  Minhyuk silently watched as his mother nodded, putting the manager’s number into her phone.  “Have any of the other boys gotten sick?  I know you said that Changkyun and Hoseok had colds…”

“They’re both fine now.  Yoo Kihyun seems to have caught Changkyun’s cold, but he’s doing okay and we’re keeping an eye on it,” the manager replied.

“You couldn’t have kept a better eye on my son?”

Minhyuk watched as the manager shook his head.  “I’m incredibly sorry, Mrs. Lee… we thought it was just a bad cold.  Minhyuk never indicated that his condition was getting worse, and they were all exhausted.  But I can assure you, we won’t allow anything like this to happen again,” the manager replied.

“These boys have been worked too hard for too long… they all need a break, and time to rest.  I will be taking my son home when he’s released, at least until he’s well enough to be back at work.”

Minhyuk watched as the manager nodded.  “Of course.  Our goal is to make sure that Minhyuk recovers and takes care of his health; we’re already giving the group time off while he’s recovering, and management is looking into the schedules they’ve been working lately, to see if there’s something that needs to be changed in the future to prevent anything like this from happening again.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Minhyuk heard his mother speak again.  “If he hadn’t nearly died, would you have really cared enough to make these changes?”  Minhyuk closed his eyes as the man processed the question.  He didn’t want to hear the answer to that question; Minhyuk already knew what the real answer was, even though he knew that the manager would never actually say it to his mother.  The company wanted to make money, and they weren’t making money if the group wasn’t able to perform or record.  “That’s what I thought.”

“I need to get back to the office and check on a few things,” the manager replied.  

Minhyuk waited until he felt his mother’s hand taking his again before he let his eyes open, squeezing her hand gently.  “Hey, baby… how are you feeling?”

“Still tired,” Minhyuk replied.  “The manager was here?”

Minhyuk watched as his mother nodded, sighing.  “You just missed him… he was coming by to check on you, and so that we could talk about what was going to happen when you’re released in a few days.”  The woman reached up with her free hand, carefully smoothing out his hair.  “I’m going to take you home for a while… make sure that you get the rest you need, and give you a break.”

“How long have I been here?”  Minhyuk hadn’t really meant for his question to be so disjointed from the conversation they’d been having, but he couldn’t help starting to wonder what had happened since he’d been brought to the hospital.

“It’s been a week… you were on the ventilator for six days, but it took you a while to fully wake up once they weaned you off of the medication and the machine,” his mother replied.  “Dr. Park should be here soon to check on you, and hopefully we’ll get some idea of when I’ll be able to take you home…”

Minhyuk closed his eyes again, sighing before he began to cough again.  The oxygen mask was back a moment later, courtesy of his mother, until Minhyuk pushed it away a few moments later once he felt sure that he didn’t need the extra help.  “What did they do about the performances I missed?  They were still able to go on, right?”

“The company cancelled promotions… when they found out how sick you were, they were afraid that someone else would come down with it as well.  Some of the others have had colds, but so far you’re the only one to develop pneumonia…”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, letting his eyes slide closed again.  “If you’re still tired, you should sleep.  Resting is the only way you’ll get better.”


	9. Chapter 9

Returning home wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience; Minhyuk hadn’t really even thought about what would be missing until his mother was pulling the car into the small garage, and he saw the three bicycles lined up neatly against the wall.  “I need to change the sheets on your bed… if you want to go lay down in my room and take a nap there, you can.  I know that you must be exhausted.”

“No,” Minhyuk replied, immediately forcing a smile to hide his discomfort at the idea.  “I’ve been in bed for over a week… I think I’d like to stay up for a little while.  Check in with the other guys.”  Minhyuk held up the iPad that had been sitting in his lap, to indicate how he intended to contact the rest of the group.  

Minhyuk watched as his mother nodded, smiling back at him.  “At least change into something more comfortable, and wash that mess off your face.  You don’t have to be all dressed up here at home,” she replied, referring to the fact that one of the managers had brought makeup and an outfit that had clearly been picked out by a stylist for Minhyuk to wear as he left the hospital.  Given the fact that there had been a small crowd of worried Monbebes waiting outside, Minhyuk had been glad that someone had thought of that much, even if he did feel a bit ridiculous trying to look so perfect when everyone clearly knew that he was recovering from a serious illness.  Minhyuk’s mother had shown him one of the articles that had been published shortly after Starship had put out a press release regarding the group’s sudden, unannounced hiatus, and the company had been honest about Minhyuk’s illness.

Going into the house didn’t do anything to lessen Minhyuk’s discomfort; if anything, seeing the fact that his mother hadn’t really made any changes to the house since his last visit made Minhyuk more uncomfortable.  His father’s keys still sat in the bowl on the kitchen counter where they had been left over a month earlier, and the man’s jacket still hung on its hanger in the small coat closet.  It was almost as if nothing had changed, and Minhyuk would see the man coming out of his home office at any moment.  It was much harder than he’d realized it would be to hold back the flood of emotions that were threatening to engulf him as he hung up his coat, and his mother seemed to finally sense that something was wrong.

“Go change and get comfortable, Minhyukkie.  I’ll wait until you’re done to come change the sheets on your bed.”

Minhyuk tried not to think as he went through the motions of washing off the makeup and changing his clothes, even though it took much longer than usual due to the fact that he had to periodically stop to cough and catch his breath.  By the time he’d finished the exhaustion was beginning to set in again, and it was just about all he could do to walk out into the living room with his iPad and collapse onto the couch.  He forced a smile as his mother put a cup of tea down on the table to his right, before gently resting her hand on the top of his head for a brief moment.  “Cover yourself up so that you don’t get chilled, Minhyukkie.”

“Thank you,  _ eomma _ .”  Minhyuk did as he was told, pulling the wool throw from the back of the couch and putting it over his legs despite the fact that he wasn’t cold.

“Drink your tea, too.”

Minhyuk nodded, picking up the cup and taking a small sip before turning on the tablet and pulling up the videochat app.  It took him a moment to decide who he should call first; Minhyuk hadn’t actually seen anyone since the night Kihyun had accompanied him to the emergency room, although someone had explained that they had been forbidden from going to the hospital for fear that the others might also get sick.  But eventually he clicked on the person in his list that he felt certain would answer quickly.

“ _ Minhyuk!  How are you feeling? _ ”

It was easier to fake a smile for Hyunwoo’s benefit at that moment than it had been in weeks.  “I’m okay,  _ hyung _ .  I can breathe.”  Minhyuk watched as the other man smiled, clearly relieved to be hearing from him.  “How are you?”

“ _ Bored… it’s too quiet around here without everyone running around. _ ”

Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling confused.  “You’re at the dorm alone?”

“ _ No… Changkyun and Kihyun are here, too.  And Jooheon’s been back and forth, but he’s sleeping at home  It’s just… really quiet.  And there really isn’t much to do, so we’re all just doing our best to not be bored. _ ”  Minhyuk nodded, letting his eyes slip closed for a moment.  “ _ Hey… if you’re tired, you should sleep instead of trying to talk to me.  I can tell everyone else you’re okay, if you want. _ ”

Minhyuk shook his head, forcing his eyes open.  “No… I haven’t done anything but sleep for almost two weeks…”

“ _ Because your body needs it.  You may not fully remember what that night was like, but I do.  And if your body is telling you to sleep, you should sleep - that’s a lot of what got you into this mess in the first place. _ ”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, understanding what the older man was saying.  He didn’t completely remember or understand what had happened that night, especially given the fact that the whole experience had been filtered through the lense of oxygen deprivation and the medications that had kept him sedated for the first week in the hospital.  “ _ When are you getting out of the hospital? _ ”

The question took Minhyuk off guard; he’d assumed that the manager that had brought his things to the hospital would have told the other members of the group what was going on.  “I’m at home already.  At my mom’s house.”

There was another brief moment of silence.  “ _ Are you going to be okay? _ ”

It was amazing to Minhyuk how the quietest of his group mates could be so intuitive, even when they weren’t in the same room - that Hyunwoo had sensed his discomfort through the iPad screen.  Minhyuk sighed, shaking his head.  “I don’t know.  It’s hard, being here.  I keep half expecting my dad to come through the door at any moment…”

“ _ I wish I knew what to say… _ ”

Minhyuk shook his head.  “Even I don’t know what would help,  _ hyung _ .”

“ _ Take care of yourself, okay?  If you need anything… _ ”

“Thank you,  _ hyung _ .”

Minhyuk watched as Hyunwoo got distracted by someone behind him making noise.  “ _ Hey… Kihyun, come tell Minhyuk hello before he goes. _ ”

There was shuffling from behind Hyunwoo before another face popped onto the screen, smiling at Minhyuk.  “ _ Minhyukkie!  You’re feeling better right? _ ”

Minhyuk nodded, forcing a smile yet again for the other man’s benefit.  “I’m good.  Just tired,” Minhyuk replied.  “How are you?  I heard you had gotten sick, too…”

Kihyun shook his head, although he coughed twice before he could respond.  “ _ It’s just a cold.  Manager- _ hyung _ got me some medicine, and I’m taking it easy.  I already feel a lot better. _ ”  Minhyuk nodded slowly.  “ _ We’re all okay… you just worry about getting better yourself, so that you can come back to the dorm _ .”

Minhyuk nodded, letting his eyes slide closed again.  “ _ Hey… seriously, get some sleep.  You look exhausted. _ ”  Hyunwoo’s words weren’t harsh, but Minhyuk could tell that he was going to be in trouble if he didn’t comply with the man’s instructions.  The group’s leader didn’t speak much, but he meant everything he said. 

“Yeah… okay.”

Minhyuk couldn’t bring himself to keep up the illusion that he was okay as he quickly waved goodbye to the two other men, before ending the call.  He didn’t have the energy; it was hard enough to just keep himself awake and functioning, but trying to pretend that things were okay - that he was happy to be home with his mother and not still hurting from everything that had happened in the past few months - was too much.

The cup of tea was starting to cool off, and Minhyuk quickly picked it up and began to drink, knowing that his mother would be upset with him if he didn’t listen to her instructions.  She still hadn’t come out of the bedroom, and Minhyuk didn’t feel right about the idea of falling asleep on the couch when his mother was working on preparing his bed for that purpose.  By the time the cup was finished, Minhyuk was fighting to keep his eyes open and he had to place the tablet down on the couch next to him so that he wouldn’t drop it if he fell asleep.

 


	10. Chapter 10

He’d made it three days at home, before Minhyuk had needed to just  _ get out _ .  If he was being honest, three days was pretty impressive; the constant reminders of his father were making it difficult for Minhyuk to function, and he just needed to get away from it all for a little while, even though he knew he wasn’t really well enough to be running around on his own.  But he’d slipped out of the house, dressed up in as many layers as he could manage and with a mask and scarf wrapped around his face.

Minhyuk didn’t make it very far; he was still weak from being sick, and the cold November weather wasn’t helping him at all.  But there was a little park at the end of the street, and the bench that had always been his escape when things got tough.  And at that moment, things were  _ really _ rough.

There were constant reminders of his father at home; Minhyuk’s mother hadn’t even begun to go through the man’s things for whatever reason, and it was as if nothing had changed since his father’s death.  And while the constant reminders seemed to comfort the woman, they just served to send Minhyuk into a deeper depression.  He’d had to just  _ get out _ .  So Minhyuk had left a note for his mother, letting her know that he would be back soon.  He hadn’t gone into any more detail than that; the last thing Minhyuk wanted to do was say or do something that would cause his mother any additional stress.

Minhyuk wasn’t sure how long he sat there, staring blankly across the park while the other visitors went about their business, when he felt a hand resting on his left shoulder.  “You shouldn’t be out in this cold,  _ hyung _ .”  Minhyuk looked up as Hyungwon sat down on the bench next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders.  “I stopped by your house to check on you - your mom said you’d left on your own, and asked if I would come down here to see if you were alright.”

“I didn’t tell her where I was going…” Minhyuk began, turning away from the younger man and staring off into the distance again.

“You’re predictable,  _ hyung _ .  She said she was about to come down here when I got there.  But I guess she thought you might be more willing to listen to me…”  There was a moment of silence after Hyungwon’s voice trailed off.  “What’s going on?  What are you running away from?”

“From my father.”  Minhyuk closed his eyes.  “He’s everywhere in that house… his keys are still in the bowl on the counter, and his coat is in the closet… and even though I know that he’s gone, I keep waiting to hear him come in the door like he always used to.”

Minhyuk felt Hyungwon pull him a little closer, pulling his head down onto the taller man’s shoulder.  “Do you want me to take you back to the dorm?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

There was another moment of silence, although it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.  Hyungwon seemed to understand that Minhyuk really wasn’t in the mood to do a lot of talking.  But it didn’t last too long.  “It’s cold,  _ hyung _ … let’s go back to your mom’s house, and we can figure it out from there.”  Minhyuk nodded, letting his younger friend help him to his feet.  He didn’t even protest when Hyungwon kept his arm around Minhyuk’s shoulders, carefully guiding him back up the street and occasionally stopping so that Minhyuk could catch his breath when he had to cough.

Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling guilty when they entered the house, kicking off their shoes as his mother hurried over to the two of them.  “ _ Aish _ !  You’re trying to make me die of worry, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry,  _ eomma _ …” Minhyuk began, as he unwrapped the scarf from around his face.  “I didn’t mean to make you worry…”

“Get your coat off and go sit down.  I’ll make you both tea… you’re staying for a while, yes, Chae Hyungwon?”

“If it isn’t too much trouble, Mrs. Lee,” Hyungwon replied.

“Go… go sit.  I’ll bring the tea.”

Minhyuk did as he was told, leading Hyungwon into the living room and curling up in one corner of the couch.  The other man sat down, too, although Hyungwon sat closer than Minhyuk had really expected, putting his hand on top of Minhyuk’s foot.  “Are you okay?”

Minhyuk nodded, letting his head rest against the back of the couch.  “I just… this is hard.”  Minhyuk closed his eyes as the other man squeezed his foot through his sock, trying to comfort him.  “I don’t know how to deal with this.  I don’t want to hurt my mom, but I don’t think I can stay here…”

“Then let me take you back to the dorm,” Hyungwon replied.  “You look stressed out, and that can’t be good for you right now.”

Minhyuk shook his head.  “I can’t hurt my mom…”

“But it’s okay for you to hurt yourself?”  Hyungwon clearly didn’t mean to be hurtful with his words, but Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling upset.  “Look - I know you feel like you have to take care of your mom right now.  But you have to take care of yourself, too.”

There was silence in the room until Minhyuk’s mother came into the room with three cups of tea, handing each of them a cup before sitting down with the two of them.  “Minhyuk… what were you thinking?”

Minhyuk looked down at the cup of tea in his hands, trying to figure out what he should say in response to her question.  “I just needed to get out of the house,” he finally replied, rubbing his thumb along the top of the cup.  “I can’t… I feel like I’m suffocating here, constantly waiting for  _ appa _ to come home even though I know that it isn’t going to happen.  I just needed to get away for a little while…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that had started to form in his eyes.  “I’m sorry…”

“Shh…”  Minhyuk felt his mother take one of his hands, squeezing it gently between both of her hands.  “It’s okay, baby.  I understand.”

There was a moment of silence, as Minhyuk tried his best to control the tears that were falling from his eyes and his mother gently held his hand and tried to comfort him.  “I don’t want to leave you alone… but I’m not sure that I can stay here right now.  It’s too much…”  Minhyuk felt sick at his own words, even though he felt fairly certain that his mother would understand.  The last thing he wanted to do was offend her.  The sick feeling only got worse as he waited for his mother to respond.  “Please don’t be angry with me…”

“I’m not angry with you.”  The words were a relief, even if Minhyuk still couldn’t help feeling more than a little guilty about what he’d said.  “I understand, baby.  I just wish you’d told me sooner, before you got this worked up about it…”

“I’m sorry.”


	11. Chapter 11

Walking back into the dorm was a relief; even though the place was silent like his mother’s home, the atmosphere was completely different.  Although Minhyuk still didn’t feel like himself, he felt lighter and less stressed out as he took off his shoes and coat and made his way into his shared room, stripping off the mask he’d worn to try and protect himself from catching anything else on his way back to the dorm.

“ _ Hyung _ ?  What are you doing here?”

Minhyuk looked up, surprised to see Changkyun lounging on his upper bunk; he hadn’t really thought about the fact that someone might be home, given the fact that most of the group was taking a break while he was recovering.  “I couldn’t be at home…” Minhyuk began, until he started coughing again.  

Changkyun was down from his bunk before Minhyuk had even caught his breath again, putting his arm around Minhyuk’s shoulders.  “Hey… you should rest.  Do you want some tea or something?”  Minhyuk shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment before he moved away from the younger man to sit on his own bunk.  “Do you need anything?  Or would you rather I just left you alone?”

“You don’t have to go,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.  “I’m just going to lay down for a while… but I don’t really want to be alone.”  Minhyuk stretched out on his bed, not even bothering to get under the covers as he closed his eyes again.  A few moments later, Minhyuk felt Changkyun placing a blanket over him.  “Thank you…”

“Get some sleep,  _ hyung _ .”

Minhyuk wasn’t sure how long he was asleep, but by the time he woke up the room was dark and he could smell something cooking from in the kitchen.  Before he could get up, however, the cough that had been plaguing him for weeks returned with a vengeance.  It still took him a moment to catch his breath, but Minhyuk was thankful to realize that it seemed to still be getting easier as each day passed.

Minhyuk hadn’t even gotten out of bed before he heard Kihyun’s voice from the doorway.  “Minhyuk- _ ah _ … are you asleep?”

“I’m awake,” Minhyuk replied, slowly sitting up and reaching up to rub at his temples.  At some point during his nap, Minhyuk had developed a headache and the coughing spell had only served to make it worse.

“Are you feeling okay?”

Minhyuk nodded slowly.  “I have a little bit of a headache, but otherwise I’m okay.”  He winced slightly as Kihyun turned on the overhead light, before the slightly younger man walked over and gently put his hand on Minhyuk’s forehead for a moment - the same way Minhyuk’s mother had while he was at home.  “I don’t have a fever.”

“I just wanted to check… I don’t want to let you get so sick again.”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, standing up as Kihyun backed away to give him some space.  “It’s time to eat.  Do you still have any of the antibiotics to take?”

Minhyuk nodded.  “In my bag… I’m supposed to take it with food.  But I’m really not that hungry…”

“Is it time to take your next dose?”  Minhyuk nodded, moving over towards his backpack and starting to dig through the front pocket to pull out the bottle of pills he’d been prescribed.

Minhyuk passed the bottle to Kihyun once he’d found it, sighing.  “I still feel like my brain is scrambled half the time… would you mind helping me remember to take them?  I don’t want to get confused and forget…”

“Of course.”  Minhyuk sat down on the floor, leaning against the bed frame as he began to cough again.  It was shorter than some of the other coughing spells he’d had, and thankfully it didn’t take Minhyuk long to catch his breath again.  Kihyun sat down next to him, gently letting Minhyuk rest against his shoulder as they sat there together in silence for a moment.  “You said you feel scrambled… is something wrong?”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Minhyuk sighed, shaking his head.  “It’s just… I’m so tired all the time right now.  And I can’t stop thinking about…”  Minhyuk shook his head again.  “I don’t even know any more.  There were so many weird things I heard and saw when I was out… I’m still trying to figure out what was real and what was my brain being really fucked up by the drugs they were giving me…”

“You were dreaming…” Kihyun began.

Minhyuk shook his head, knowing that wasn’t the whole story of what had happened to him.  “No… I mean, some of it was just dreaming or hallucinating or whatever, but some of it was real,” he replied.  “It… it’s weird.  You aren’t fully asleep when you’re in a coma.  I could hear my mom talking to people, and things that were happening around me changed the hallucinations.  Like when they were using ice to try and bring my fever down, everything got really cold and kind of creepy…”

“What is it that has you so confused, then?” Kihyun asked.

Minhyuk took a deep breath, closing his eyes.  “I saw my dad.”  There was a moment of silence as Minhyuk tried to get his thoughts together to explain what he meant.  “It was so cold, when he was there - I think they might have been using the ice.  But I could  _ feel _ him there with me.  It was one of the most real things I saw the whole time I was out…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, feeling sick as he thought about the whole experience again.  He’d known that his father was dead when it had happened; that was a fact that Minhyuk hadn’t been able to escape, no matter what he had seen.  But it had felt so  _ real _ , and that was a large part of what had Minhyuk so messed up.

Kihyun put a hand on Minhyuk’s knee.  “Hey… you’re okay.  It isn’t like you’re unable to tell the difference between what’s real and what was in your head.  You know it wasn’t real.”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, letting his head rest back against the bed.  “Come on… let’s get you something to eat, so that you can take your medication.  Then you can go back to sleep, or we can watch a movie or something?  Whatever you want to do.”  Minhyuk nodded, letting Kihyun help him to his feet.

The meal was pretty quiet; while Changkyun and Hyunwoo were both sleeping at the dorm again, neither of them were home for the meal.  “Where are the other guys?”

“They went out for a while to run some errands and stuff,” Kihyun replied, putting some extra meat into Minhyuk’s bowl of rice as they both ate.  “We all sort of thought you might appreciate some peace and quiet, so that you could get some rest before everyone else gets back.  The company has asked the rest of us to be back by the end of the week.”  Minhyuk nodded, picking at the rest of his food.  “Try to eat some more… you’ve gotten really thin, and you need to get your strength back.”

“I’m still just really not hungry,” Minhyuk replied, putting down his chopsticks and closing his eyes despite the fact that he was less than halfway through the meal Kihyun had made for the two of them.  “I just want to go lay down again… my head is still really hurting.”

“You need to take your medicine first… and I can give you something for your headache, if you want?” Kihyun suggested.  Minhyuk nodded silently, letting his eyes close for a moment as the man went to get the pills he’d mentioned.

Minhyuk didn’t open his eyes until he felt Kihyun put a hand on his shoulder.  “I’m sorry, Kihyun… I know you worked hard on dinner.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kihyun replied.  “Just take your medicine, okay?  If you get hungry later, I can heat something up or make something else…”  Minhyuk did as he was told, taking the small handful of pills his friend offered and swallowing them quickly, chasing them with some of the water from the glass Kihyun had placed next to his bowl while they ate.  “Take a bottle of water too, okay?  You don’t need to get dehydrated, on top of everything else you have going on.”

Minhyuk nodded, getting up and taking one of the bottles of water out of the fridge before heading back into the room he shared with Kihyun, Changkyun, and Jooheon to collapse onto his own bunk and go back to sleep. 


	12. Chapter 12

The atmosphere in the practice room was tense; even though Minhyuk had been cleared to return to his normal schedule, it seemed as though everyone could see that he wasn’t really ready to be back in full dance rehearsals just yet.  But no one seemed to want to say anything about the fact that Minhyuk couldn’t keep up.  Eventually, the choreographer sighed and shook his head.  “Let’s just… take five.  Get some water, and we’ll try it again.”

Minhyuk could feel tears beginning to sting his eyes as he walked to the bench where they’d left their things with the rest of the group, knowing that the choreographer’s frustration centered on his inability to keep up.  Everything had been going well at the beginning of the rehearsal that morning, when Minhyuk had just been watching what everyone else had worked on while he was still recovering from being ill.  But it was easy to see in the mirrors that Minhyuk just wasn’t cutting it when he tried to keep up after learning the full dance.  It didn’t help that he was exhausted; the group had been working on the dance for hours, with only a few short breaks for food and rest.  Minhyuk collapsed onto the bench, leaning his head back and closing his eyes as the rest of the group sat around on the floor drinking from their own bottles.

Minhyuk felt someone holding a bottle of water against his shoulder.  “Minhyuk- _ ah _ … drink some water.  Your shirt is soaked.”  Minhyuk opened his eyes, taking the bottle Hoseok held out to him and taking a few sips, in hopes that it would help ease the headache that was beginning to start behind his eyes.  “Maybe you should go lay down for a while.  You look exhausted, and you aren’t doing so well at keeping up… going over the dance again right now isn’t going to do you any good…”

“I’m fine,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head and taking another sip from his water bottle as he finally managed to swallow back the tears.  “I just need to get it right.”

“You don’t need to wear yourself out,” Kihyun commented, as he sat down and put his hand on Minhyuk’s knee.  “It’s only been a couple of weeks since you were sick; if you still need some time, people will understand…”

Minhyuk shook his head again.  “I’m fine.  I just need a minute.”

It was obvious that Kihyun and Hoseok were uncomfortable with Minhyuk’s insistence, but neither of the men said anything else as the choreographer they were working with called the group back to the middle of the room.  Minhyuk went back to his spot, trying his best to focus despite his increasing headache.

After another dozen or so failed run-throughs, the choreographer finally stopped the music.  “This isn’t working.”  Minhyuk hung his head, knowing that the man was specifically talking about his performance.  “I’m leaving.  You all fix it.  I’ll be back to see your progress at rehearsal tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry…” Minhyuk began, once the choreographer had exited the small rehearsal studio.  “It’s my fault he’s mad - I should have worked harder to keep up…”

“It isn’t your fault you’ve been sick - we’ve all had the last week to learn this, and you’ve been working on it for a single day,” Hyunwoo replied.  “I’ll talk to him…”

“No.”  Minhyuk shook his head, closing his eyes.  “I can get this… I can do it before tomorrow.  I just need more time to practice, and I’ll be able to do it in the morning.  You guys should go ahead upstairs without me.”

Minhyuk was surprised by how quickly Kihyun was by his side, shaking his head and grabbing Minhyuk’s arm.  “No… no way.  You need the break more than anyone else in this group,” Kihyun began.  “Hyunwoo- _ hyung _ … back me up on this…”

“Kihyun is right.  You need to rest,” Hyunwoo replied.  “I’ll come down with you later tonight to work, after dinner.”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, surprised when he felt Hyunwoo wrapping an arm around his waist to hold him up on his feet as Minhyuk swayed slightly.  “Seriously… you’re exhausted.  Come upstairs and get some rest.”

“I need to practice…” Minhyuk began.

“How are you going to practice if you can’t even stand up on your own?” Hyungwon interrupted.  “Just go upstairs with the rest of us - you’re clearly exhausted.”

“And you need to eat,” Hyunwoo added.  “I can  _ feel _ your bones… how much weight have you actually lost?”

Minhyuk shrugged.  “I don’t know…”

“Come on… let’s just go upstairs and eat.”  Minhyuk opened his eyes at Kihyun’s suggestion, nodding and letting Hyunwoo help him up the stairs towards the dorm.

Minhyuk wasn’t sure why he thought the guys would leave him alone about his current situation once they got to the dorm, but he was definitely surprised when Hyunwoo lead him straight into the bathroom and shut the door.  “Take off your shirt.”

“ _ Hyung _ …” Minhyuk began.

“Do you have something you’re trying to hide?”

Minhyuk shook his head, sighing.  “I’m not hiding anything… I’ve been sick.  I still don’t feel great, and it’s hard to make myself eat…”

“Just let me see,” Hyunwoo replied, reaching out to touch the hem of the oversized tee shirt Minhyuk had worn to their dance rehearsal that day.  Minhyuk nodded slowly, pulling up the fabric so that his stomach was visible.  But he hesitated there, until Hyunwoo grabbed the shirt and lifted it the rest of the way, so that the older man could see where Minhyuk’s ribs were visibly poking out through his skin.  “Shit…”

Minhyuk pulled his shirt away from the other man, stepping back to lean against the wall as he pulled the fabric down.  “I’m trying…”

“You shouldn’t have been cleared to be back at rehearsal… I don’t care if you’re done with the antibiotics and breathing better.  You still aren’t back to normal…”  Minhyuk slid down the wall, feeling the tears stinging his eyes again.  The last thing he wanted was to worry everyone, but that seemed to be all that he was capable of doing.  He reached up, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands and trying to stop the tears from coming.  “Shit… hey, Minhyuk, please don’t cry…”

Minhyuk felt the older man moving to sit next to him, putting his arms around Minhyuk’s shoulder.  Minhyuk leaned into Hyunwoo’s arms, letting his head rest against the man’s shoulder as the tears started to fall.

There was a soft knock on the door a few minutes later.  “ _ Hyung _ … is everything okay?”  Minhyuk sat up at the sound of Changkyun’s voice from the other side of the door, immediately reaching up to wipe away the tears that had been streaming down his face.

“Give us a minute,” Hyunwoo replied.

“Kihyun says dinner’s ready…”  Minhyuk took a deep breath, doing his best to calm down.  “Is Minhyuk okay?”

“Everything’s under control, Changkyun… just give us a minute, okay?”  Minhyuk watched as Hyunwoo stood up, holding out a hand to help Minhyuk up off the floor.  “How much do you weigh right now?”

Minhyuk shook his head.  “I don’t know.”  Minhyuk watched as Hyunwoo moved over to the scale, moving the device away from the wall.  “Do I really have to?”

“Would you rather do it in front of one of the managers?” Hyunwoo asked.  Minhyuk sighed, stepping onto the scale and waiting awkwardly for the number to appear.  He couldn’t help feeling sick as the number popped up, significantly lower than what it had been prior to his illness.  “ _ Aish _ …”

“I’ve been sick,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head and pushing the scale back into its place with his foot.  “I just need time, Hyunwoo… please don’t make a big deal about this.”

Minhyuk watched as Hyunwoo thought about Minhyuk’s request for a moment.  “You have to eat… that’s the only way I’m going to let this go,” Hyunwoo replied.  Minhyuk nodded, as the older man opened the bathroom door and let him out of the small room.

Despite his promise to eat, Minhyuk struggled to get much of anything down.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat; the last thing Minhyuk wanted was to cause his  _ hyungs _ or any of the younger members to worry even more about his health.  So even though he felt full, Minhyuk kept picking at the food on his plate and trying to get a few more bits down.

“Minhyuk- _ hyung _ … are you okay?”  Minhyuk looked up at the sound of Jooheon’s whispered question, surprised as the younger man gently squeezed his shoulder.  “Maybe you should go lay down…”

Minhyuk shook his head, forcing a smile.  “No… I’m okay.”

“You look really pale,” Jooheon replied, still looking obviously concerned.  “Seriously,  _ hyung _ , are you sure you’re okay?”

Minhyuk nodded, drinking some water to try and keep his headache at bay; the food and water he’d managed to get into his system helped a little, although he knew that actually giving in and taking something for his headache would be better.  Not that Minhyuk felt he could; that would require him to admit that something was wrong, and the last thing he wanted was to let the rest of the group know he wasn’t feeling his best.

“I should go back down to rehearse,” Minhyuk replied, finally pushing his bowl away and starting to stand up.  He could see grey spots dancing in front of his eyes, but it wasn’t until he felt Jooheon’s arms around him, holding him up on his feet, that Minhyuk realized he’d nearly passed out just trying to stand up.  “I’m okay…”

“Stop lying to yourself… stop lying to  _ us _ , Minhyuk.  You’re not okay.”  Jooheon’s words hurt, even though Minhyuk knew that they were true.  “Come on… let’s go lay down for a while, so that you can rest.  If you’re feeling better in a little while, we can go downstairs and run through it again.”

Minhyuk nodded slowly, knowing that the older of the group’s two rappers wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Honestly, he wanted to sleep; Minhyuk hadn’t been sleeping well since he’d gotten out of the hospital, and the thought of collapsing into bed and just sleeping for an unspecified amount of time sounded really,  _ really _ wonderful at that moment.  The fact that Jooheon was pretty much dragging him back to their shared bedroom made it easier for Minhyuk to pretend that he was against the idea.  “I need to rehearse,” Minhyuk began, half-heartedly arguing with his friend.

“You need to rest.”

“Can I at least take a shower and change?” Minhyuk asked, as Jooheon pulled him into the bedroom they shared.  “I’m disgusting…”

Jooheon seemed to think about the question for a moment, before sighing and nodding.  “Okay, yeah… but then you’re going to come back here and rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... you're getting two chapters today because I FINISHED WRITING THE WHOLE THING. Before NaNo starts!
> 
> I'll still be uploading 1 or 2 chapters a day until it's all up; I don't want to just dump everything all in one go, because I don't want to overwhelm anyone. But yeah... the fact that I finished this story this quickly is just INSANE to me.


	13. Chapter 13

Minhyuk couldn’t help the tears that were streaming down his face as he hurried into the dorm, making his way into the bathroom and locking the door, leaning back against it and sliding down until he was sitting on the floor.  He hadn’t meant to cause problems, but that seemed to be all he was capable of doing.  The choreographer had spent the entire morning berating him for not getting the dance they’d worked on the day before, pointing out every single flaw in Minhyuk’s performance - as if he couldn’t see each and every one of them in the mirror on his own.  Eventually, Minhyuk had run out of the practice room, feeling the tears streaming down his face as he hurried up to the dorm.

The tile on the bathroom floor was cold through the thin fabric of the athletic pants he wore, making Minhyuk shiver as he sat there, trying not to allow himself to make noise.  All he could think of was how much of a screw-up he was, and how much better off everyone in the group would be without him.  Minhyuk dug his nails into the palms of his hands, trying to do anything he could to take his mind off of how stressed out he was by everything that was happening.

“Minhyuk- _ ah _ ?”  Minhyuk didn’t respond to Kihyun’s call, even as the man knocked on the door.  “Minhyuk- _ ah _ , open the door…”

“Go away.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Kihyun knocked again.  “Come on, Minhyukkie… let me in.”

“I just want to be alone!”  Minhyuk didn’t mean to yell; it wasn’t Kihyun’s fault that Minhyuk was upset.  Kihyun was only trying to help him, but Minhyuk wasn’t in a position to really think about what he was saying.  Minhyuk just wanted some time to himself to calm down, so that he could figure out how he was going to fix this.

“Hyunwoo- _ hyung _ is talking to the choreographer… he isn’t going to yell at you again…” Kihyun began.  Minhyuk shook his head even though his friend couldn’t see him.  “Please just come out, Minhyuk- _ ah _ .  Talk to me.”

Minhyuk took a deep breath, trying to calm down enough to have a logical conversation about what was going on.  But every time he tried to open his mouth and speak, all he could think about were the words that the choreographer had used.   _ Stupid.  Lazy.  Failure. _  And although logically Minhyuk knew that they weren’t true - that he was just exhausted from being sick for so long - that didn’t make them hurt any less.  “I just need a few minutes, Kihyunnie… please.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Minhyuk heard his friend sigh.  “Okay… but if you aren’t out in ten minutes, I’m getting Hyunwoo- _ hyung _ and we’re going to take the door off the hinges.”

Minhyuk waited until he was sure the other man had left him alone, before he allowed the sobs he’d been holding in to escape.  He continued digging his nails into the palm of his hand, trying to do  _ anything _ he could think of to take his mind off the panic attack that had started in the practice room.  It was a trick he’d used before - giving himself something to think about to distract himself from the overwhelming anxiety.  But even the physical pain in his palms wasn’t enough to stop the intense shaking and the thoughts that were racing through his brain as he tried to calm himself down.

The razor was sitting on the sink, taunting him.  He didn’t even think as he grabbed it, taking the cover off the blade and using his teeth to pry the plastic away from the thin metal blades.  As soon as it was free, he hurried to pull down the waistband of his pants, hissing as he slid the blade across his hipbone.  It had been years since he’d hurt himself - not since before he’d signed with Starship as a trainee, when he’d still been the victim of bullies at school who’d assumed he was gay because of his passion for music and naturally  affectionate behavior - but somehow the familiar feeling of the blade slicing through his skin was comforting to Minhyuk.  The panic attack slowly dissipated as Minhyuk pulled the blade across his hip for a second, followed by a third time.  Minhyuk dropped the blade at that point, letting his head rest back against the door for a moment as he was finally able to breathe freely.  He’d forgotten how exhausting panic attacks could be.

Cleaning up the mess took a few minutes, and Kihyun was back at the door as Minhyuk carefully hid the dismantled razor and loose blade in the little basket that he used to organize his own toiletries on one of the upper shelves.  “Minhyuk- _ ah _ … are you okay?”

“I’m coming,” Minhyuk replied, turning on the water in the sink and splashing his face with it a couple of times before wiping his face off with a towel in an attempt at calming the red, swollen skin around his eyes.

Kihyun was waiting outside of the bathroom, and Minhyuk could see Hyunwoo standing a few feet away from them watching the whole scenario unfold.  “Hey… you’re okay?”  Minhyuk nodded slowly at Kihyun’s question, reaching up to push the hair out of his face.  “Do you want to go back to rehearsal?”

“I think I just want to lay down for a while,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.  “I just… I feel bad running out on everyone…”

“Don’t,” Hyunwoo replied.  “We all understand - the choreographer was out of line.  If the managers have any problems with it, they’ll deal with all of us.”  

Minhyuk sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall next to the bathroom door.  “I don’t want to cause a problem…”

“You nearly died, Minhyuk!”  Minhyuk couldn’t help being surprised by Hyunwoo’s interruption.  “ _ You _ are not the problem - the problem are the expectations that are being placed on you, when you haven’t been able to fully recover from being sick.  It isn’t your fault that you’re still weak and tired.  It isn’t your fault that we’ve all had a week to learn these dances, when you weren’t allowed out of the dorm to even watch us work.”

There was a moment of silence, as Kihyun put a hand on Hyunwoo’s shoulder to try and calm the older man down.  “We just want to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself… that you aren’t getting too focused on work.  That’s what landed you in the hospital a few weeks ago, and no one wants to see that happen again.”

Minhyuk closed his eyes.  “I’m really trying,” Minhyuk whispered softly.

“Hey… no, that’s not what we meant…” Hyunwoo began.

“Just get some rest, okay?  Do you need anything before we go back downstairs?” Kihyun asked.  Minhyuk shook his head, reaching up and swiping at the tears that had started to trickle down his face again during the conversation.  It wasn’t a panic attack this time; Minhyuk was just exhausted and frustrated with the whole situation.  “We’ll be back soon, okay?  Come get me if you need me.”

Minhyuk watched as the other two men left, before heading into the bedroom and collapsing, face down, on his bunk.  Minhyuk wanted to be okay; he wanted to keep up with the dancing and to be the sunny, happy person he had been just a couple of months earlier.  But that wasn’t an option; his body was too weak and exhausted to keep up with the physical requirements of his job, and his mind was too fucked up for Minhyuk to even think about trying to be the group’s “mood maker” like he had been before.

The sounds of other people moving around the room woke Minhyuk up; he hadn’t even realized that he’d fallen asleep until the other members of the group were there, making too much noise for Minhyuk to be able to sleep.  But he didn’t even move, until he felt someone crawling into his bed and wrapping an arm around him.  “What are you doing?” Minhyuk asked, turning to face Jooheon.

“Checking to make sure that you’re okay,” the younger man replied, moving his hand to gently rub Minhyuk’s back.  Minhyuk nodded, sighing and letting his eyes close again.  “Kihyun- _ hyung _ is making dinner… I can go downstairs with you after we eat if you want to try and work on the dance.  Or we can just chill out and watch a movie or something…”

“I should work on the dance,” Minhyuk replied, not bothering to move again.  “You don’t have to go down with me, though.  I’m the only one who’s fucking it up… I’m the only one that should have to put in the extra work.”

“We’re a team,” Jooheon replied.  “I want to help you… I don’t want to see you getting yelled at or struggling.”  Minhyuk sighed, opening his eyes and staring at Jooheon silently for a moment.  “You still look tired… maybe you should just hang out here and rest.”

“With what time?” Minhyuk asked.  “We’re supposed to perform that song in two days… I have to have it down…”

“Fuck worrying about the dance,  _ hyung _ … if you still need time, you still need time.  You may be cleared to work again, but that doesn’t mean you  _ have _ to be back…”

Minhyuk sighed, closing his eyes again.  “What am I supposed to do, Jooheon- _ ah _ ?  Quit Monsta X?”

“No… that isn’t what I mean.  We can talk to the managers… get you some more time to get back to normal.  Four days isn’t enough time for you to be ready to perform something you weren’t even able to watch until yesterday.  If you can just sit out this one… I mean, it isn’t even  _ our _ song… it won’t kill them to pull you from this performance.  But it might seriously hurt you if they  _ don’t _ do something…”  Minhyuk turned away from Jooheon.  He knew that the younger man was right; they could ask the managers to pull Minhyuk from the Special Stage performance without really affecting the group’s ability to perform.  But Minhyuk wasn’t ready to give up so easily.  “Come on,  _ hyung _ … you need to take care of yourself.  This isn’t good for you, pushing yourself beyond your limits for the company…”

“The Monbebes will be worried that I’m still out…” Minhyuk began.

“They’ll understand - they know that you were in the hospital, and that you’ve been on a break to take care of your health.  There hasn’t been any kind of announcement saying that you’re back.”  Minhyuk didn’t respond as Jooheon began rubbing his back again, switching to using his nails over the top of Minhyuk’s tee shirt.  “Just let us ask the managers… the worst they can do is say no.”

Minhyuk took a deep breath, sighing.  “Okay.”

There was a brief moment of silence as Jooheon stopped moving his hand.  “Really,  _ hyung _ ?”  Minhyuk turned towards Jooheon, feeling a little guilty about the fact that the younger man was so surprised.  “You’ll let us talk to the managers?”  

Minhyuk sighed, nodding.  “Really.”


	14. Chapter 14

Minhyuk felt sick as he walked into the conference room at Starship’s headquarters.  This was not going to be a positive meeting, he was already sure of it.  The fact that the CEO, all three managers, and several other people that he vaguely recognized as important people within the company were sitting at the table already was concerning.  But it was the presence of Kihyun and Hyunwoo, seated on either side of the only empty spot at the table, that worried Minhyuk the most.

“Lee Minhyuk… please, sit down.”  Minhyuk did as he was told, taking the empty seat between the other members of his group at the CEO’s gesture.

“Am I in some kind of trouble?”  Minhyuk mentally tried to go through everything he had done recently, trying to figure out what might have happened that would have required this type of response.  But there was nothing he could think of.

Thankfully, the CEO shook his head.  “No.  But we do have some concerns about your behavior as of late…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, nodding despite the fact that he wasn’t completely sure where the conversation was headed.  “I’ve had several conversations with the managers, as well as with Yoo Kihyun and Son Hyunwoo, and they have all expressed a concern that you are struggling with the aftermath of your father’s death.  That you may not be taking proper care of yourself.”

Minhyuk could feel the tears beginning to sting his eyes, even though he couldn’t bring himself to look at the CEO or open his eyes.  He felt Kihyun take one of his hands, followed by Hyunwoo gently placing a hand on his thigh.  “I’m sorry…” Minhyuk began, reaching up to try and wipe away the tears with his free hand.  He couldn’t stop the tears from falling, even when Hyunwoo handed him a tissue from the box on the table.  “I’m so sorry…”

“I think this answers my questions,” the CEO began.  Minhyuk opened his eyes slowly, taking a deep breath and trying to compose himself.  “Given the circumstances, I believe that everyone in the room understands how you’ve gotten into this state.  But we can no longer ignore the situation…”

Minhyuk shook his head, looking up quickly.  “Please don’t fire me…”  Minhyuk hadn’t meant to interrupt the man, but he couldn’t bring himself to think of anything else other than the fact that he might be fired because he hadn’t asked for help sooner. 

“This is not that kind of meeting,” one of the managers began, shaking his head as he spoke.  “Everyone in this room is here because we care about your well-being.  We want to help you.”

Minhyuk took a deep breath, nodding and closing his eyes.  “I agree… the last thing we want is for you to have to leave Starship Entertainment.  But in order for you to stay with the company, things have to change,” the CEO replied.  “At this point, we need to make a plan regarding what will happen next, before your condition gets any worse.  Our primary concern is your safety, but we have to know that we will have your cooperation.  This isn’t just going to go away; it’s going to take time, and it’s going to take work.”

“I don’t want to feel like this any more,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.

“Even if it means seeking psychiatric treatment?”  Minhyuk paused for a moment, considering the implications of the CEO’s suggestion.  While Minhyuk knew that he needed help, the idea of facing that kind of stigma if anyone found out was daunting.  But after a moment, he nodded.  “Right.  For now, I want all three of you to go back to the dorm and get ready for rehearsals this afternoon.  The managers will take care of the arrangements, and adjust your schedule as needed.”

Minhyuk kept his eyes on his feet as they left the conference room, with Hyunwoo gently guiding him with one hand on his shoulder.  Despite the manager’s assurance that they had no intention of kicking him out of the company because of his situation, he still couldn’t help feeling as if he was going to lose his job.  It wasn’t until they were in the car to head back to the dorm that anyone spoke.

“Minhyuk- _ ah _ … you aren’t mad at us, are you?” Kihyun asked softly.  Minhyuk shook his head, leaning over to let his head rest against his friend’s shoulder.  Kihyun began gently stroking Minhyuk’s hair, obviously trying to comfort him.  “We only went to the managers because we were worried…”

“I know,” Minhyuk replied, letting his eyes close.  “I’m not mad.  I… I wish that I’d had the courage to ask for help myself.”  Minhyuk felt Hyunwoo placing a hand on his back, in his own attempt at comfort.  “Thank you.  Both of you.  Really.”

The remainder of the ride home to the dorm was silent; Minhyuk didn’t want to talk about it, and the other two seemed unsure of how to handle the current situation.  It wasn’t until they were in the elevator up to their dorm that anyone spoke.  “Do you want to tell the others?” Hyunwoo finally asked.

Minhyuk nodded slowly, as the elevator approached their floor.  “They already know something’s wrong… and they’re going to notice…”

“You don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want them to know,” Kihyun replied.

“There are so many things they could decide - things that could affect all of you, too.”  Minhyuk shook his head.  “Whatever happens, they need to know.  It isn’t fair to keep them in the dark.”

Walking into the apartment seemed to set off a flurry of activity; the four members that hadn’t been involved in the meeting had all been awake when the manager had come to tell Minhyuk that he was needed at the company’s headquarters for a meeting no one had known about before.  The fact that Hyunwoo and Kihyun, who had both left the dorm earlier in the morning with different excuses, came back with him seemed to confuse the four even more.  

“Minhyuk- _ ah _ … what did they say?” Hoseok asked, hurriedly getting off the couch and moving towards the three of them as they kicked off their shoes in the entryway.  The three other men that had been left behind hurried into the living area as well, until Minhyuk felt that everyone in the room was staring at him.

“Guys… don’t crowd him…” Kihyun began, before Minhyuk could even respond.

“Do you two know something?” Jooheon asked, looking back and forth between Kihyun and Hyunwoo quickly.

Minhyuk took a deep breath, sighing.  “Can I at least sit down first?  I promise I’ll tell you guys everything…”  Thankfully, the four men seemed to understand, and they were quick to let Minhyuk cross the room and sit down on the couch.  Kihyun and Hyunwoo followed him, sticking close in what seemed like an attempt at providing support.  Jooheon, Hoseok, Changkyun, and Hyungwon all settled in around them to listen to what Minhyuk had to say.  Finally, he took Kihyun’s hand and started to speak.  “It was a meeting with the managers and the CEO… Kihyun and Hyunwoo were there, too.  There was… a lot of people were…”  Minhyuk sighed, closing his eyes as he realized that he really couldn’t explain what had gone on in that room.

“We went to the managers because we were worried about Minhyuk’s health,” Hyunwoo filled in.  “We’ve all noticed that he hasn’t been himself since his dad’s death, but it’s been getting worse.  And we couldn’t just ignore what was happening…”

Minhyuk closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to begin again, until Hoseok spoke up.  “Why would you get him in trouble like that?”  The older man sounded angry.

“I’m not in trouble,” Minhyuk replied, shaking his head.  The last thing he wanted to do was let the four members of the group that hadn’t been involved in the meeting think that Kihyun and Hyunwoo were to blame for something.  “They were right to go to the managers; I need help.  I don’t want to feel this way.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Hyungwon finally spoke up.  “What happens now?”

“The managers are going to arrange for Minhyuk to see a doctor.  Soon.  For now, though, he’ll still be here at the dorm with us, and things will be pretty much the same as always,” Hyunwoo replied.

Silence fell across the room again, but this time it was Jooheon that spoke up.  “So what can we do to help?”

“Just be here,” Minhyuk replied.  “Please don’t give up on me.”

“No one is giving up on you,  _ hyung _ .”  Minhyuk was surprised by how quickly Changkyun spoke up, as well as the fact that the youngest member of the group was the first of the four that hadn’t been with him through the whole meeting to put a hand on his knee, attempting to physically comfort him.

“He’s right… we’re not going anywhere,” Hoseok replied.

Minhyuk couldn’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes again.  It wasn’t that he was upset by what his brothers were saying; if anything, Minhyuk felt more loved than he had in a long time.  He was tired of feeling so sad and depressed.  Tired of not being able to meet the expectations everyone had for him.  Minhyuk curled in on himself, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them tightly.  “Minhyukkie… are you okay?” Kihyun began.  Minhyuk moved a little closer to him as he spoke, shaking his head.  “Whatever it is… you can tell us.”

Minhyuk shook his head.  “I’m such a fuck up…”

“You’re not a fuck up, Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk took a deep breath, reaching up to wipe away the tears that were falling down his face with his sleeves.  He knew that he needed to come clean - that he needed to admit that he had done something really, really horrible that no one else even knew about yet.  “I… there are things that you don’t know,” Minhyuk replied, before slowly uncurling his legs and stretching out so that he could pull down the waistband of both his jeans and underpants, just enough to allow the others a glimpse of several slashes across his hip bone in various stages of healing.  Although it had started with what he’d hoped would be a single episode, it had turned into a habit again.  He’d lost track of how many times he’d found himself in the bathroom, dragging the blade he’d salvaged from the broken razor across his skin.

“ _ Aish _ …”  Jooheon’s exclamation made the tears start up again, as Minhyuk let go of the clothing and pulled his knees back up to his chest.  “Minhyuk- _ hyung _ … you have to stop…”

“I know…”  Minhyuk shook his head.  “I’m sorry…”

“I wish you’d told us during the meeting,” Hyunwoo began, putting his arm around Minhyuk’s shoulders.  “You can’t… if you feel like you need to do that, you need to tell us.  We don’t want to see you hurting, or harming yourself.”  Minhyuk nodded, letting his eyes close as the seven of them sat there for a moment in silence.  Finally, Hyunwoo sighed.  “We shouldn’t leave him alone… Minhyuk is going to need our help to get over this.”


	15. Chapter 15

Minhyuk stared down at the sleeve of his sweater, picking at a loose thread rather than looking up at the psychiatrist as the man wrote notes about the conversation they’d had.  He felt numb; everything they had discussed seemed to have been leading up to that moment - whatever the psychiatrist said at that point was going to change things.

Finally, the doctor took a deep breath.  “First of all, I don’t think you’re crazy,” the man began.  “I want to make sure that you understand that, over everything else.  It’s normal to struggle with the death of a parent, especially when you were as close as you’ve indicated you were with your father.  But sometimes, people need help dealing with all of the emotions that come with this type of trauma.  And that’s okay.”

Minhyuk nodded slowly, trying to process what he was being told.  “So… what do you want me to do?” Minhyuk asked.

“It isn’t what I want that’s important,” the doctor replied.  “It’s about what you want.  You have to want to work through all of this - overcoming depression and self-harm isn’t an easy road to travel.  There are going to be times when things get bad and you relapse.  There will be times when you’d rather just give up.  But you have to make the choice to keep going, and keep working at it.  All I can do is make suggestions for what might help you get better, but I can’t force you to do anything.”

“I want help,” Minhyuk replied.  “I want to get better… I don’t want to feel this way any more.”  Minhyuk shook his head as he spoke, letting his eyes close.  “What do you think I need to do?”

There was a brief moment of silence as the doctor looked over his notes, occasionally scratching something else into the margins.  “First of all, we’re going to get you set up with a therapist to talk to - none of the other things I want to try will do you any good if you don’t have someone to talk to about what you’re feeling.”

“Okay.”

“I also think that medication may be helpful in your situation.  My suggestion is that we try an SSRI antidepressant… just a low dose, to see if the medication will help you cope and stabilize your condition.  We can make adjustments to the dosage, or even take you off the medication if you aren’t comfortable with the effects,” the doctor explained.  Minhyuk nodded slowly, even though he didn’t really feel completely comfortable with the idea of taking medication to make himself feel better.  “You don’t look convinced…”

“You said I’m not crazy… but you want me to take medication…” Minhyuk began.

“Taking medication to help you cope with your depression and anxiety does  _ not _ mean you’re crazy,” the doctor replied.  “It’s just a tool.  And if you really aren’t comfortable with it, you don’t have to agree to that aspect of the treatment plan.”

Minhyuk nodded, picking at the loose threads again.  “I’ll try them.”

The ride back to the dorm after Minhyuk’s appointment was silent.  Minhyuk wasn’t really in the mood to talk, and the manager had gotten the message pretty quickly; the man just let Minhyuk stare out the window as they drove through the city towards the dorm.  It wasn’t until they reached the street in front of the building that the man spoke.  “You have the prescription the doctor gave you?”  Minhyuk nodded silently, gripping the white paper bag from the pharmacy in his right hand.  “The rest of the guys are supposed to be in the rehearsal studio working on the new dance.  You should go join them.”

Minhyuk nodded, getting out of the car and heading inside the building.  He went up to the dorm first, shoving the paper bag underneath his pillow before quickly changing into something he could dance in.  Despite the fact that the whole group knew he’d been to the psychiatrist that morning, he wasn’t sure that he was ready to admit to the rest of the group that he’d been given medication to help with his depression and anxiety issues.

The rest of the group was collapsed across the floor of the rehearsal studio as Minhyuk walked in, clearly exhausted from repeatedly running through the dances that Minhyuk was still struggling with.  But even their exhaustion didn’t stop the six other men from sitting up and taking notice as Minhyuk walked into the room, and there was a sudden burst of noise as all six of them began asking questions at once.  Minhyuk could feel a wave of panic beginning to build, and he dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands as Kihyun tried to calm down the rest of the guys.  “Hey… guys, stop asking so many questions!  You’re stressing him out…”

Minhyuk was thankful that the others all quickly realized that he was starting to panic and stopped talking, before forming a circle on the floor and leaving a spot between Kihyun and Hyunwoo for Minhyuk to take.  He sat down slowly, letting his hands uncurl so that he was no longer hurting himself, even as he sat down and let his head rest against Hyunwoo’s shoulder.  “How are you feeling?”  Hyunwoo’s question was quiet, hardly loud enough for even Minhyuk to hear his question as the older man put his arm around Minhyuk as if he wanted to protect him from some unknown danger.

“Tired,” Minhyuk replied.  “I don’t really want to talk about it.”  Minhyuk closed his eyes for a moment as Hyunwoo gently rubbed his back.

“Do you feel up to rehearsing?”

Minhyuk shrugged, not bothering to move his head away from the older man’s shoulder.  He hadn’t really thought about how exhausting it would be to spend most of his morning talking about what he’d been going through since his father’s death.  “I need to get to work on learning the choreography I’ve missed,” Minhyuk replied.

Hyunwoo and the others did their best to help Minhyuk catch up with the dances, although he was still struggling by the time Hyunwoo decided that they should stop for dinner.  Minhyuk couldn’t help falling behind slightly as they headed upstairs, although he noticed that Changkyun seemed hesitant to let him get more than a step or two behind.  Minhyuk forced a smile for the younger man’s benefit, even though he mostly just wanted to collapse on his bed and go to sleep.  “You’re starting to get it,  _ hyung _ ,” Changkyun began, as they reached their floor in the building.

“I still look like an idiot compared to the rest of you,” Minhyuk replied.

“No, you don’t.”  Minhyuk didn’t respond to the  _ maknae _ ’s protest.  “Seriously, Minhyuk- _ hyung _ … don’t let yourself get down about the fact that you’re struggling.  It’s a hard dance, and you haven’t been able to work on it as much as the rest of us…”

“Which means that I should be working harder when I’m here,” Minhyuk replied.  “I’m still not able to keep up with everyone else… and you can’t blame it on the fact that I was sick, because it’s been a month…”

Minhyuk was surprised when Changkyun took his hand, stopping him from leaving the dorm’s living room.  “You’re depressed… that can be just as bad as being physically sick,  _ hyung _ ,” the younger man replied.  “I know you said you don’t want to talk about what happened this morning… but when you’re ready, you know that we’re all here to listen.  We do really care about you,  _ hyung _ .”

Minhyuk looked down at the floor.  The obvious concern in Changkyun’s voice made Minhyuk feel guilty about the fact that he’d tried to hide the pills he was supposed to try from his friends; he didn’t want to worry them, but it seemed as though trying to protect them from the truth was only making them worry more.  Minhyuk sighed, taking the  _ maknae’s _ hand and leading him into the bedroom they shared.  Without saying a word, Minhyuk pulled the paper bag from under his pillow and got out the plastic bottle.  “He wants me to try medication… I’m supposed to be seeing a therapist, too, but the idea is to try both together so that I can be stable… whatever the fuck that means.”

Changkyun took the bottle from Minhyuk’s hand, glancing over the label for a moment.  “You’re going to try it, yeah?”  Minhyuk nodded.  “You should tell the rest of the guys - I had a friend back in Boston that was put on a medication like this.  He was bipolar, and it really messed him up for a while.  I’m here to help… but it would be better to have more people watching out for you, you know?  I can’t be around all the time.”

Minhyuk nodded slowly, sighing.  “I know… the doctor explained the possible side effects.”  The younger man held the orange bottle out to Minhyuk, who took it and turned it over in his hand a few times.  “I don’t want anyone to judge me…”

“No one here will,” Changkyun replied.  “We… we all talked about it this morning, while you were gone.  We’re going to support you, no matter what you need to do to take care of yourself.  Even if that means medication, or taking a break from promoting, or whatever you need to do.  We all just want you to be okay again.”

Minhyuk could feel the tears stinging his eyes again, although these tears weren’t due to any of his usual reasons.  He wasn’t okay; Minhyuk was still depressed, and he still wanted to hurt himself more often than not.  Knowing that his friends weren’t just putting up with him, though, but were actually trying to find ways to support him through everything he was going through, made the tears begin again - but this time, they were tears of relief.

“Did I say something wrong,  _ hyung _ ?” Changkyun asked.

Minhyuk shook his head, pulling his shirt up to wipe away the tears again.  “No… I’m just… I’m not upset right now.  I promise.  I just can’t explain why this is happening,” Minhyuk replied, motioning towards the tears that were still streaming down his face.  He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he sat down on his own bunk.  Minhyuk felt Changkyun perch himself on the bed to Minhyuk’s right.  “Thank you… seriously.  I know I’m crazy right now…”

“You aren’t crazy.”

“I’m definitely not sane,” Minhyuk replied.  “My brain is really,  _ really _ fucked.”

“You aren’t crazy, though… you’re just struggling right now.  But you’re getting the help you need, and you know that we’ve all got your back if you need us.”  Minhyuk nodded, before quickly turning towards the younger man and wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s torso, pulling the man into a hug more for his own benefit than the  _ maknae _ ’s.  Chankyun seemed to understand that he needed someone to just hold him for a few moments, and the younger man hugged him back.  “We love you,  _ hyung _ .  We just want to see you get better.”

Minhyuk wasn’t sure how long they sat there, with Minhyuk allowing the tears that had formed to slip out and wet the shoulder of the younger man’s shirt until he’d finally calmed down enough to pull away from the man.  “Thank you.”

“Any time,  _ hyung. _ ”

“You shouldn’t have to put up with me…”

“None of us are putting up with you.”  Minhyuk looked up at the sound of Hyungwon’s voice coming from the doorway, letting the orange pill bottle drop to the bed at his side.  “We’re sticking with you because you’re our friend, and we care about you.  And yeah, we’re frustrated… but it’s because we don’t know what to do to help you with all of this.  We feel helpless here, too.”

Minhyuk stared down at the floor, before digging his nails into his palm again.  He couldn’t keep away the urge to hurt himself as the others tried to convince him that they cared about him and didn’t mind helping him through all of this.  It made him feel guilty, that his problems were causing so much stress for his brothers - stress that none of them needed to have added to their already overflowing plates.  But Changkyun seemed to figure out what he was doing, because the younger man quickly moved to take his hands and pry them open without saying a word, holding onto them once he was done to prevent Minhyuk from continuing to hurt himself.

“Food’s done, by the way.  Kihyun- _ hyung _ sent me in here to get the two of you.”

“We’re coming,” Changkyun replied.  Minhyuk didn’t look up, but he could hear Hyungwon moving away from the door even though neither he nor the group’s  _ maknae _ were moving to get up.  “When are you supposed to take the pill?”

Minhyuk shrugged.  “Morning, I think,” Minhyuk replied.

“Maybe you should start it tonight… you seem really tense.  And you were digging your nails into your palms just a minute ago - to try and hurt yourself, right?”

“It helps give me something to focus on when I’m panicking,” Minhyuk admitted, hardly above a whisper.  “It’s something I can control, when everything else seems to be completely out of control.”

Minhyuk felt the younger man grab the plastic bottle that had nestled itself under Minhyuk’s thigh, pressing it into Minhyuk’s hand.  “It doesn’t say when to take it… you should seriously consider starting tonight, so that you can relax and get some rest.  You looked exhausted before we even started working today.”

“I’m afraid…” Minhyuk began softly, turning the bottle over in his hands.  “What if I lose it on this stuff?  If it makes me crazy?”

Changkyun put his hand on top of Minhyuk’s hands.  “That’s why we’re going to be here with you… if something goes wrong, we’re here to take care of you.”

“That isn’t your  _ job _ ,” Minhyuk replied.

“But it’s something that we’re willing to do, because we care about you.”

Minhyuk nodded, finally standing up.  “We should go eat.”

Minhyuk was thankful that Changkyun seemed to realize that he needed the younger man to back him up, even though Minhyuk couldn’t bring himself to say the words.  The younger man put a hand on his shoulder as they walked out to sit around the table with the rest of the group, and Changkyun stayed close to Minhyuk as they sat down.

“Is everything okay?”  Minhyuk stared down at his hands at the question from Kihyun, who was sitting across from the two of them.  He could feel everyone else’s eyes on him, almost as if they were waiting for Minhyuk to tell them what they had been talking about a moment earlier.  

It wasn’t until he felt Changkyun gently squeezing his shoulder that he looked up, taking in the warm, comforting smile from the group’s  _ maknae _ .  “It’s okay,  _ hyung _ .  You can tell them,” he whispered, leading in so that only Minhyuk could hear him.  Minhyuk nodded, sighing and letting his eyes close for a moment.

“Minhyuk?  Changkyun?”  Minhyuk could hear the question in Hyunwoo’s voice, even though he wasn’t looking at the older man.

“I… the doctor sent me home with medication to try,” Minhyuk replied.  “I… I was afraid to say anything earlier.  I didn’t want you all to think any less of me…”

There was a moment of awkward silence, until Minhyuk felt Hoseok scooting closer, wrapping an arm around his waist.  “We would never think less of you for something like that, Minhyuk… if this is what you need, then we’re going to support you.”

“Hoseok- _ hyung _ ’s right, Minhyuk… we don’t want to see you hurting.  If this medication is going to help you feel better, then we want you to take it,” Kihyun replied.

Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling a huge rush of relief at the group’s responses, especially when Hyungwon spoke up.  “What can we do to help?”  Minhyuk turned to look at Changkyun, knowing that the man had at least some kind of understanding of what was going on.

“We need to watch him for a while, help keep an eye out for side effects,” Changkyun replied.  “There’s a chance the medication could make him manic and crazy.  Some people attempt suicide…”

“Why do you know that?” Jooheon asked.

“I had a friend in Boston… he was bipolar, and when they put him on medication for depression he lost his shit and nearly killed himself,” the younger man replied.  “It was scary… he stayed on the medication way too long, and things got worse and worse until he ended up in the hospital.  The worst part was that his parents didn’t even tell anyone until after it had all happened…”  Minhyuk reached up with his free hand, messing with his hair as he tried to process this new information.  He’d almost convinced himself to take the pills after dinner, but the  _ maknae _ ’s story made him feel sick to his stomach and he couldn’t stop himself from digging his nails into the palms of his hands again once he’d moved them back underneath the table.  Changkyun seemed to realize that something was wrong, and Minhyuk felt his friend taking his hands again.  “We aren’t going to let that happen to you,  _ hyung _ .”

“I can’t do this,” Minhyuk replied, throwing the bottle onto the table, standing up and hurrying towards the door, feeling the need to escape.

Minhyuk collapsed at the top of the stairs once he escaped from the dorm, letting his head rest against the wall and closing his eyes.  He knew that running away wasn’t going to help him any; if anything, running away from the situation would only make things worse.  Minhyuk just needed a few minutes; in the dorm, surrounded by the other members of the group, Minhyuk had felt as if he was suffocating.  The desire to control what was going on in his mind kept coming up, and he couldn’t stop his nails from digging into the palm of his hand again because he didn’t have any other way to distract himself from the thoughts that were racing through his head.

“Minhyuk- _ ah _ ?”  The whisper of his name made Minhyuk look up; he was surprised to see Hyunwoo sitting on the opposite side of the stairs, watching him carefully.  “Talk to me.  Please.”  Minhyuk took a deep breath, closing his eyes and turning away from his  _ hyung _ .  “Come on… we all just want to help.  Changkyun- _ ah _ didn’t mean to scare you…”

Minhyuk shook his head.  “I already knew it… the doctor told me the side effects,” he replied.  “I just… this isn’t…”  Minhyuk couldn’t help the frustrated groaning that came out of his mouth, as he slammed the side of his fist against the wall next to him.  Hyunwoo’s arms were around his chest a moment later, restraining him and pulling him away from the wall so that he couldn’t hit it again.  Minhyuk could feel the tears start to stream down his face, and he collapsed against the older man’s chest, not even bothering to hold back the sobs that erupted from his throat.  There was no controlling it; Minhyuk had to just let the outburst run its course, gasping for breath in between sobs and grabbing at Hyunwoo’s arms as he tried to pry them away from around his chest because he felt as though he couldn’t breathe, despite the fact that Hyunwoo was hardly using any pressure to hold him there.

The sobs eventually began to subside, although Minhyuk couldn’t stop the tears from continuing to slide down his face and onto Hyunwoo’s soaking wet tee shirt.  Minhyuk couldn’t even feel bad about ruining the older man’s shirt as they sat there, focusing instead of trying to breathe and calm down after the panic attack that had put him in this situation.  “You’re okay… I’ve got you.”  Minhyuk hadn’t even noticed the man’s words during the panic attack itself, but but now that he could finally breathe he could hear Hyunwoo softly whispering words of comfort in his ear.

“I’m sorry…” Minhyuk whispered, his voice catching in his throat as he spoke.

“Shh… don’t worry about it.”

Minhyuk took a deep breath, although he didn’t move away from the older man.  “I know I need to take the medication… but it scares me.”

“I know.  It scares all of us,” Hyunwoo admitted.  “But we’re here for you.  We’re not going anywhere.”

Minhyuk sat there leaning against the older man a few moments longer before he slowly sat up, reaching up to rub the tears off his face with the sleeves of his shirt as he finally calmed down enough to breathe easily.  “I think I’m okay now,” Minhyuk replied, reaching up and pushing his hair out of his face.  “We should go eat… I need to take the medication.”

“Okay.”  Hyunwoo stood up immediately, holding out a hand to help Minhyuk to his feet.  Minhyuk took a deep breath as the older man opened the door to the dorm, wondering how the rest of the group was going to respond to his sudden outburst.

Minhyuk was thankful that no one came hurrying to the door as they came in, instead staying at the table and continuing to eat their own meals.  The only real acknowledgement of what had happened came as the two men sat back down in their original places, when Changkyun simply sat the pill bottle next to Minhyuk’s bowl of rice and gently squeezed his shoulder without saying a word.

The meal was quiet; everyone seemed to understand that Minhyuk wasn’t in a good place to answer questions or even really talk to them about what was going on.  So instead they all simply focused on eating their dinner.  Only Changkyun and Hoseok really seemed to pay much extra attention to what Minhyuk was doing - the older man kept his free hand on Minhyuk’s knee as they ate, and the younger occasionally put a bite of something into Minhyuk’s bowl, as if to encourage him to eat more.  Eventually, MInhyuk pushed his bowl away and put his chopsticks down, even though there was still food in his bowl.

“You done,  _ hyung _ ?”  Minhyuk nodded at Changkyun’s question, although he didn’t move away from the table.  Instead, Minhyuk let his head rest on the younger man’s shoulder as the rest of the group finished eating.  He didn’t even really move as Changkyun grabbed the pill bottle from the table and opened it, taking Minhyuk’s hand and pouring one of the pills out into his palm.  The pill was small and white, and decidedly non-threatening.  And yet, somehow, Minhyuk couldn’t bring himself to put the pill in his mouth and swallow it, even though he knew that he  _ needed _ to do this.  Minhyuk needed to take his medication.  He needed to be okay again.

Hoseok’s hand gently squeezing his knee surprised Minhyuk, and he looked at the older man.  “It’s okay… we’re all going to be here to make sure you’re okay,” Hoseok commented, almost as if he knew exactly what was going on in Minhyuk’s mind.  Minhyuk looked up, surprised to see the whole group watching him for the first time since Hyunwoo had gotten him to come back into the small apartment.

Minhyuk released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, closing his eyes for a moment before sitting up and popping the pill into his mouth, chasing it with a large gulp of water from his cup.  He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to happen after he took the pill; Minhyuk knew that it would take time to feel its effects, but he’d still sort of expected to feel somewhat different after swallowing the pill.  But nothing happened.


	16. Chapter 16

Minhyuk stared up at the bottom of Changkyun’s bunk, trying to ignore the racing thoughts in his head.  It was the middle of the night; Minhyuk knew that he should be asleep, curled into Hoseok’s side because it had been the older man’s turn to keep an eye on him.  But he’d slipped away after the rest of them had fallen asleep, escaping to his own bed easily because everyone had been exhausted from an intense day of rehearsals.  It wasn’t that Minhyuk intended to do anything wrong; he just wanted to be alone - or at least as alone as he could be in a dorm full of his group mates.  But somehow, being alone hadn’t helped the suffocating feeling - if anything, it had made it more difficult for Minhyuk to cope with the overwhelming stress that seemed to set in without any warning or a real, understandable reason.  All he could think about was the fact that he really,  _ really _ wanted to go find something he could use to make it all go away.

The whole apartment was silent as Minhyuk got up again, this time pacing around the common area to try and give himself something else to think about and focus on.  The fingernails digging into the palms of his hands wasn’t enough to distract him from the overwhelming feelings that were building up inside of him, making it difficult to breathe.  Minhyuk reached up, pulling at his hair as frustrated tears began falling down his face.  He knew that he needed to get someone else, to ask for help.  But the idea of putting any more stress on his friends, when they were already starting to feel the pressure of preparing for recording and starting performances ahead of their next comeback, just made Minhyuk’s situation even worse.

“ _ Hyung _ ?  What are you doing up?”  Minhyuk looked up at the sound of a voice coming from the door to his shared room, thankful to see Jooheon standing there.  Even though it didn’t take away any of the intensity of Minhyuk’s emotions, just being able to walk up to Jooheon and wrap his arms around the younger man made the desire to hurt himself begin to ease slightly.  “ _ Hyung _ ?”

Minhyuk shook his head, leaning into Jooheon’s embrace as the rapper pulled him a little closer, clearly sensing that he wasn’t able to respond to the question.  After a moment, Minhyuk felt Jooheon pulling him away slightly.  “Come on… come lay down with me, tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t…” Minhyuk began, shaking his head.  “I don’t know… I don’t understand…”

Minhyuk felt Jooheon reach up, pushing the hair back out of Minhyuk’s face so that he could get a better look at his face.  “Okay… okay.  Let’s just lay down.”  Minhyuk nodded, letting Jooheon lead him back into their bedroom and into Jooheon’s bed.  The younger man quickly climbed in after him, carefully pulling Minhyuk into his arms.  Minhyuk couldn’t really relax; part of him still wanted to be alone, and being trapped in the corner wasn’t helping him any.  But Jooheon was doing his best to be helpful and kind, and Minhyuk closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing as Jooheon gently rubbed his back and whispered softly, trying to calm him down.

It took a lot longer than Minhyuk would have liked for the feelings to subside; he knew that it would have been easier if he’d just been able to escape back into his previous coping mechanism.  The feeling of a blade slicing across his skin would have been much faster and easier than trying to force everything down.  Eventually, the tight, suffocating feeling in his chest and the racing thoughts in his head both calmed down, and Minhyuk felt the exhaustion taking over.  His eyes slipped closed, and he leaned into Jooheon’s embrace.  “Are you okay now,  _ hyung _ ?”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, as he drifted off to sleep.

Kihyun’s typical morning wake-up call came too early for Minhyuk, although he pretended to still be asleep as the man began asking questions of Jooheon.  “What’s going on?  I thought Hoseok- _ hyung _ was supposed to keep an eye on him last night…” Kihyun began.

“I found him pacing in the living room in the middle of the night, crying.  He couldn’t tell me what was going on, but it took him a couple of hours to calm down…” Jooheon explained.  Minhyuk could feel the bed moving as the younger man turned to face Kihyun instead of pressing Minhyuk against his chest.  “I’m worried,  _ hyung _ … that medication is supposed to be helping, but if you’d seen him last night…”  Jooheon trailed off.

“You think it’s making him worse?”

“I seriously think he would have done something to hurt himself if I hadn’t shown up when I did.  He was pulling at his hair, and he looked so desperate…”  Minhyuk could feel the suffocating feeling starting again, and he couldn’t stop the soft sobs that began again.  “Shit…  _ hyung _ …”  Minhyuk felt the rapper pulling him close again, rubbing his back and trying to comfort him.  “I’m sorry… I didn’t know you were awake…”

“I’m okay,” Minhyuk replied, opening his eyes and trying to stop the tears from starting to slide down his face again.  It was more of a way to convince himself that things were alright, rather than an attempt at convincing either of the other men in the conversation.  He still clung onto Jooheon’s shirt, knowing that the man’s presence and tight hug was one of the few things keeping Minhyuk grounded.  “I’m okay…”

“Minhyuk… you need to call your doctor…” Kihyun began, leaning down so that Minhyuk could see him over Jooheon’s shoulder.  “This isn’t right… it’s been a few days, but right now it seems like you’re doing worse than you were before the medication…”  There was a brief moment of silence, before Minhyuk heard the sound of Hoseok calling his name from the other room and a flurry of activity throughout the small apartment.  “It’s okay,  _ hyung _ !  He’s in here!”

Jooheon gently pried Minhyuk’s fingers off his shirt, loosening his grip.  “Come on,  _ hyung _ … I’ll stay with you, but let’s go out to the couch and talk…”

Minhyuk nodded slowly, letting go of Jooheon so that they could both climb out of the bunk and move into the other room.  Minhyuk could see Hoseok breathe a sigh of relief as soon as he saw that Minhyuk was okay.  “Jesus, Minhyukkie… you scared me!”  Minhyuk looked at the floor, climbing onto the couch and doing his best to curl into as small of a ball as possible, bringing his knees to his chest as Jooheon sat down on one side of him.

“ _ Hyung _ … don’t.”

There was a moment of silence, before Minhyuk felt Hoseok sitting down next to him and putting his arm around Minhyuk’s shoulders.  “What happened?”  Minhyuk shook his head, closing his eyes and letting his head rest on his knees with his eyes closed.  “Minhyuk, talk to us, please.  We can’t help you through this if you won’t tell us what’s going on…”

Minhyuk felt Hoseok squeeze his shoulder as Kihyun spoke up.  “I’m going to run call the manager… Minhyuk needs to see his doctor or talk to a therapist or something.  He can’t even function like this, let alone work…”

“I can work,” Minhyuk replied, sitting up slightly and trying to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down.  “I can work… I just need to calm down…”

“When did you take your medication?” Hoseok asked softly, gently rubbing his shoulder with one hand.

“Last night, after dinner,” Minhyuk replied.

Minhyuk could hear Hoseok sigh, and he closed his eyes as the man gently moved to play with Minhyuk’s hair as a comforting gesture.  “Okay… so clearly this isn’t working.”  Minhyuk nodded.  “What do you need us to do?  How can we help you, Minhyukkie?”

Minhyuk shook his head slowly.  “I don’t know…”

“Do you even know why you were crying?” Jooheon asked softly.  “What has you so upset,  _ hyung _ ?”

“I really don’t know… I feel like I’m suffocating…” Minhyuk replied, closing his eyes.  “I want to make it go away, but I promised I would stop…”  There were tears stinging at Minhyuk’s eyes again, and he couldn’t stop them from starting to slip down his face as he spoke.  Hoseok and Jooheon both seemed to figure out what he was talking about, and Minhyuk felt both of them move closer and hold onto him a bit tighter.  Minhyuk understood why they were so protective of him - as confusing as everything was for him, he knew that it had to be even worse for the rest of the group because he couldn’t even figure out how to explain what was going on in his head in a way that would make sense.  How could he make sense of something that he didn’t understand himself?

Minhyuk wasn’t sure how long they sat there, with Hoseok and Jooheon simply holding onto Minhyuk and trying to keep him calm and relaxed as they waited for Kihyun to come back.  The rest of the group wandered in and out as the three sat there, but Minhyuk couldn’t help noticing that either Hoseok or Jooheon would motion them away before they could even question what was happening in the living room.  Even Hyunwoo kept his distance, although Minhyuk could tell that he was still keeping an eye on the situation from a distance.

Finally, Kihyun came back into the room and knelt in front of Minhyuk’s seat on the couch.  “Manager- _ hyung _ is going to come pick you up and take you back to the doctor,” he explained, putting his hand on Minhyuk’s foot.  “He said not to worry about schedules or anything like that… just get dressed, and he’ll take care of rescheduling everything.”

“I have to go alone?” Minhyuk asked.  Despite the fact that he’d wanted to be alone the night before when he’d felt so stressed and panicked, the idea of being alone with just the manager on the way to the doctor’s office made him feel even more as if he was struggling to breathe and fighting to control the thoughts rushing through his head.

“I’ll go with you, if you want,” Jooheon began.

“Jooheon… you were up half the night taking care of him,” Kihyun replied.  “You need to sleep…”

“Then I’ll go,” Hoseok jumped in, before Kihyun had the opportunity to volunteer himself.  “I should have been the one helping you through this last night.  If you need me to go with you, then I’ll go.”  Minhyuk nodded, starting to uncurl himself to stand up and go get ready.

“Shit!”  Minhyuk didn’t really recognize that he was falling, until he realized that Kihyun was holding him on his feet.  Hoseok was there a moment later, helping Kihyun slowly lower Minhyuk to sit on the floor in front of the couch.  “Minhyuk- _ ah _ ?  Look at me… tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m cold…”  Minhyuk wasn’t sure what was going on, but he could feel his breathing becoming more labored as they sat there, until he felt sure that he was going to pass out.

“Breathe, Minhyuk… breathe…”  Minhyuk felt Hoseok take his hand, pressing it against Hoseok’s chest.  “Follow me, okay?”  Minhyuk nodded, trying to focus on the slow, steady way the older man breathed in and out and trying to follow his example.  “You’re going to be okay… just keep breathing.  Focus.”  Minhyuk nodded, closing his eyes and doing his best to follow the instructions he’d been given.

“What’s going on?”

Minhyuk started to turn towards the manager’s voice, losing track of what he was supposed to be doing and beginning to gasp for air again until he felt Hoseok grab his chin and turn his face back towards the older man.  “Focus… just breathe.”  Minhyuk nodded slowly, closing his eyes and trying to follow Hoseok’s breathing again.  They sat there for longer than Minhyuk could keep track of, until he could breathe easily and Hoseok sighed, reaching up to run his hand through Minhyuk’s hair.  “You okay now?”

“Yeah…”  Minhyuk closed his eyes again, leaning his head against Hoseok’s shoulder.  He knew that he needed to get up, but after the panic attack and only two hours of sleep, he was exhausted.

“Do you want to go lay down for a while?  You look exhausted…” Hoseok began.

“His doctor is waiting for us,” the manager interrupted.  “You can nap in the car, Minhyuk- _ ah _ … but I think the sooner we get you in to see the doctor, the better.”

Minhyuk didn’t protest when Kihyun and Hoseok helped him back into his room, Kihyun helping him get dressed as Hoseok went to change his own clothes so that he could go with Minhyuk to the doctor.  He didn’t even protest the fact that Kihyun stayed with him in the bathroom as he took care of the essential parts of his usual morning routine.  He didn’t have anything left in him at that point, because he was just so exhausted.

The back seat of the car the manager had brought was small, but Minhyuk didn’t mind.  He purposely sat in the center, leaning against Hoseok and letting his eyes close even though he didn’t allow himself to sleep despite the fact that Hoseok was playing with his hair in an attempt at comforting him and helping him stay calm.  The drive to the doctor’s office was short, and Minhyuk wasn’t sure that he would be able to wake up once they got there if he did fall asleep.  Whether or not Hoseok knew that he was awake wasn’t clear, but the older man didn’t stop playing with his hair the entire ride.

“Minhyuk- _ ah _ … we’re here…”  Minhyuk slowly opened his eyes, feeling the panic beginning to set in again as he saw the front of the building.  He quickly covered his face with the mask Kihyun had handed him on their way out the door, pulling the hat he wore down a little further to try and hide his identity as much as possible, knowing that Hoseok was doing the same even though he didn’t look up at the older man.  “You’re going to be okay, yeah?”

Minhyuk nodded slowly.  “Yeah.  I’m okay right now.”


	17. Chapter 17

Minhyuk watched from his place sitting against the mirrors as the rest of the group danced, knowing that he should really be up and working with the rest of the group.  But the other members had insisted that he should take it easy and just watch for a while if he wasn’t going to go upstairs and sleep.  And given the fact that he was struggling to keep his eyes open despite the loud music, Minhyuk was starting to think that he’d made the wrong decision when he’d chosen to come down to the basement with Hoseok once they’d gotten back to the dorm building.

Waking up in his own bed was more than a little disorienting for Minhyuk; he didn’t actually remember being brought upstairs, nor did he even remember falling asleep in the practice room.  Minhyuk was just thankful for the fact that Jooheon had chosen to camp out on his own bunk, playing a game on his iPad while Minhyuk slept.  “Hey…”

“ _ Hyung _ … how are you feeling?”

Minhyuk shrugged at Jooheon’s question, adjusting his pillows and rolling onto his side so that he could look at the younger man.  “Still tired…”

“You’ve been out for a while,” Jooheon replied.  “Do you want something to eat?  Kihyun- _ hyung _ left some lunch, and I can heat it up for you…”

Minhyuk nodded slowly, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  “Where is everyone else?”

“Mostly rehearsing downstairs; Kihyun- _ hyung _ went to a vocal training session to work on something difficult in a new song we’re supposed to record next week,” the younger man replied putting away his iPad and headphones.  “Come on… we’ll eat some lunch, and then you can go back to sleep if you want.  Or we can go downstairs and rehearse, if you’re feeling up to it.  Hyunwoo- _ hyung _ said to let you decide.”

Minhyuk stretched slowly as he stood up, thankful that no one was trying to force him to get back to rehearsing when he was still dealing with the after-effects of his panic attacks overnight.  “I should at least try to go down…” Minhyuk began.

“No,  _ hyung _ … you should take care of yourself.  If you need to sleep, or just to relax for a while, then that’s what you should do.”  Minhyuk closed his eyes, reaching up to mess with his hair and sigh.  “I know you want to get back to normal… but you aren’t going to get better if you don’t give yourself a chance to rest when you really need it.”

“I know I can’t get my dad back… but is it so wrong to want things to be back the way they were?  Or at least as close to that as I can get it?”

Minhyuk opened his eyes as he felt Jooheon pulling him into a hug; he hadn’t even noticed the younger man getting up.  “It isn’t wrong,  _ hyung _ … but you need to give yourself time.  That’s part of why you’re in this mess, isn’t it?  Because the company didn’t give you enough time?”  Minhyuk nodded, knowing that the younger man was right about that.  “Then why are you trying to force yourself to get better faster?  Do you really think that’s going to work any better now than it did before?”

“It matters more now…” Minhyuk began softly.  “It’s been months…”

“And you’re just now really getting help,” Jooheon replied.  “It’s not the end of the world if you miss a few rehearsals or need to take a break.  No one expects you to be back to normal yet.”

Minhyuk closed his eyes again.  “The Monbebes…”

“Will understand, if you let them know.”  Minhyuk felt sick at the thought of telling other people about his diagnosis.  He was still struggling to deal with the number of people that already knew, and the thought of admitting that his life was so out of control scared him.  “I’m not saying that you have to come clean about what’s going on in you life… but they would understand, if you decided to be honest about what you’re dealing with here.”

“I can’t…”  Minhyuk could feel his hands starting to shake as he tried to explain, the suffocating feeling from that morning beginning to rise again. 

Jooheon wrapped his arms around Minhyuk’s thin body, pulling him into a tight hug; the younger man seemed to realize that he was about to start panicking again, and that he needed someone to hold onto.  “You’re okay,  _ hyung _ … you don’t have to say anything.  You don’t have to tell anyone anything until you’re ready.  I just… I thought it might help, if you knew that you had that option.  If you knew that you didn’t have to push yourself so hard…”

Minhyuk couldn’t choke down the panic attack that had already started at just the idea of having to tell anyone else what was going on, but he was able to focus on following the younger man as he breathed in and out slowly and the attack subsided a bit faster than the previous ones had.  Still, Minhyuk couldn’t help feeling exhausted as he was finally able to pull himself away from the younger man.  “I’m sorry…”

“I should be apologizing to you… it’s my fault for bringing it up,” Jooheon replied.  “Let’s just go get you something to eat, okay?  It’s getting late, and they might kill me if I don’t at least manage to feed you.”  Minhyuk smiled slightly at the younger man’s joke, even though all he really wanted was to climb back into the bed and sleep for a few more hours.  “I’ve missed your real smiles,  _ hyung _ .”

“I miss them, too.”


	18. Chapter 18

The new pills seemed to work; the symptoms of Minhyuk’s depression slowly abated, and the panic attacks became fewer and less frequent as his body adjusted to the medication and the dosage was slowly increased to appropriate levels.  The idea was to introduce the medication slowly, and to taper it off again as he began to deal with the problematic thoughts and other issues that were causing him so many problems.  It wasn’t a quick-fix.  There was no “magic” pill that would fix everything that was wrong with Minhyuk.

Minhyuk still wasn’t himself; when they were in public, he was still putting on an act for the benefit of the fans.  It was only when he was in a therapy session, or with the other members of his group, that Minhyuk felt as if he could be honest about what was going on in his head and how he was coping with all of the changes that were happening to him.

Minhyuk stared down at the photo on his iPad, feeling sick even though he knew that it was the right thing to do.  He needed to tell his side of the story, to let everyone know what was really going on.  And part of Minhyuk knew that he needed to tell the world, because there were a lot of people going through similar experiences.  And so he’d taken a photo of his medication the night before, and spent some time writing out an explanation of what had been going on in his head for the last six months.

This wasn’t something Minhyuk wanted to do; he didn’t want to publicly acknowledge that he was broken.  That Lee Minhyuk, Monsta X’s mood-maker, was so depressed and anxious that he’d had to resort to medication and therapy to deal with his emotions.  But someone had caught him leaving his therapist’s office the previous morning, and there were photos circulating around all of the gossip sites with captions indicating that he had been inside the therapy center for an extended period of time before the photos were taken.  There had been too many theories and comments to keep track of, but Minhyuk had seen enough to know that there were several theories that were far worse than the reality.

It didn’t help that the company was leaving it up to him to decide what he wanted to share with the public and how he wanted to deal with the situation; they’d asked to see what he wanted to say before he posted it, but otherwise it was entirely up to him.

“How’s it going?”  Minhyuk looked up as Kihyun sat down next to him, passing him a cup of hot tea.  

Minhyuk passed the tablet to the younger man, closing his eyes.  “The company approved it, but I’m still hesitating to post it…”

“Can I read it?”  Minhyuk nodded, sipping from the cup of tea as Kihyun looked at the photo’s caption.  Minhyuk himself had read over his words so many times, he could practically recite them from memory.

 

_ This isn’t easy to write, but I need to share the truth behind the photos that were published yesterday.  I’m not sure how to say any of this, other than to just explain what’s been going on in my head for the past few months as best as I can. _

_ It’s been less than six months since my father passed away.  We didn’t have any warning; I don’t even really remember much about it happening, because I’ve been so messed up about it all for so long.  But what I do remember is that it felt like my entire world crashed down around me, and I only had a couple of days to process everything because we were preparing for a comeback. _

_ I wasn’t okay.  I wasn’t ready to be back at work yet, but I was too afraid to ask for the time I really needed to process what had happened.  And I kept working long after I should have asked for a break.  Even after I’d come back from being in the hospital with pneumonia, I pushed myself too hard and tried to hide the fact that I wasn’t okay.  Things only got worse.  I did things to hurt myself.  And I still didn’t ask for help. _

_ I’m still a long way from being okay.  But my group members have been here for me through all of it.  They asked the company for help when I couldn’t bring myself to admit I needed it.  They’ve sat with me through countless breakdowns and panic attacks, and promised me that it was okay.  And they’ve helped me keep it all a secret, because I wasn’t ready to talk about it.   _

_ The company found a psychiatrist and a therapist to help me work through all of the messed up things going on in my head, and made sure that I had time for doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions in between training, recording, and performing.  They accepted that I was depressed and anxious, and that I didn’t have any control over what was going on in my head.  They didn’t push me to do more than I was capable of, and they made sure that someone was always a phone call away if things got too difficult. _

_ I don’t know that I can ever thank any of them enough for everything they’ve done for me over the past few months. _

_ I’m not okay.  But I’m working on getting there - I’m taking care of myself, following my doctor’s instructions, and asking for help when I need it.  And I’m starting to think that maybe one day soon, I really can be okay again. _

 

There was a moment of silence as Kihyun let the iPad rest on his lap, watching as Minhyuk continued to sip the hot tea he’d brought to the couch.  “You know that we did all of these things because we care about you, right?”

Minhyuk nodded, smiling at his friend.  “I know.”  Minhyuk reached up and pushed the hair out of his face.  “I’m afraid to post it… I don’t want people to think I’m crazy…”

“I don’t think anyone would think you’re crazy… but it’s up to you, whether or not you’re ready to be this open and honest,” Kihyun replied.

Minhyuk sighed.  “You haven’t been reading the comments…” he began.  “There are some people being kind - sending well-wishes and encouragement.  But some of them are really cruel…”

“You shouldn’t read the comments,” Kihyun replied, reaching up and squeezing Minhyuk’s shoulder.

“The theories are the worst.”  Minhyuk looked down at the mug of tea.  “Some of them think I’m really crazy… that I might be dangerous to the rest of you, because I’m seeing a therapist.  They don’t even know that I’m on medication yet…”

“We know that you aren’t dangerous.”

“It isn’t you guys that I’m worried about - I know that you all understand, because you’ve been through all of this with me and you’ve seen and heard me at my worst,” Minhyuk replied.  “I know that if I decide to post this, the six of you will back me up and be there for me through all of the shit that it brings.  But I’m not sure that I want to put all of you through that… not when you’ve already done so much for me over the past few months.”

Kihyun gently massaged the back of Minhyuk’s neck.  “You know that we’re here for you.  Whatever it is that you need.”

Minhyuk smiled.  “You say that all the time.”

“Only because I know you still need to hear it,” Kihyun replied, passing the iPad back to Minhyuk with a smile.  “It’s your choice whether or not you post it.  You’re the one who knows what’s going on in your head, and you know better than anyone else how much you can handle right now.  We’ll be in your corner.”

“Thank you.”  Minhyuk took a deep breath, before tapping the button that would post the photo and his caption.  He wasn’t okay - but at that moment, being honest about that didn’t seem quite so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... that's it.
> 
> I can't believe I finished this before NaNo. Or that I finished posting it so quickly!
> 
> Now to go focus on figuring out which character is going to be my protagonist in my NaNo story!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just going to go ahead and warn you now; I have no idea how long this story is going to be. Right now I have several chapters worth of content written, then there's a HUGE gap and I have another 4 or 5 chapters written after it - I fail at writing my stories chronologically sometimes (which is part of why my NaNoWriMo stuff always gets REALLY confusing).
> 
> Also, fair warning: this story will NOT be updated during November, so that I can focus on the dystopian fic I'm going to write based on "All In" as my NaNo project.


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